I’ve been urinating in the ocean only since 2005. I remember drinking heavily at a July 4th boat party in Miami that year, and desperately needing to break the seal. Most of the boat bathrooms were either closed for use or occupied, forcing me to just pee in the water like everyone else. I vividly remember hanging on to a rope that was anchoring one of the boats down, trying to pee while my body was swaying in the water. I had to overcome the mental block of peeing with my ass submerged underwater and my entire body moving uncontrollably with the waves. I must have been there for twenty minutes before I succeeded with a tiny squirt. It was unsatisfying just like the burning, incomplete feeling of a urinary tract infection. It took another ten minutes before I was able to relieve myself enough so that I did not suffer from a completely full bladder. Over the years, I’ve perfected the ocean pee to where I can pee on demand without strain. The ocean poo (aka aqua dump), however, is another story…

Hanging out with a bunch of surfers, I knew I could rely on them for suggestions on how to pull off the perfect aqua dump, or aqua bog, as my Australians call it. Everyone’s been getting up for an early AM surf here in Lobitos, which is generally prime time. First things first, you must relax (especially if the water is cold) by reminding yourself why you have your pants down. Make sure you are nowhere near anyone and you may want to consider doggie paddling (depending on your position) throughout the process because your aqua dump is going to meet you at the surface, so you’ll want to get a running start. Some prefer to grab their ankles, bringing their legs closer to their heads, placing themselves in more of a squat position, but I only recommend this advanced position for the more experienced aqua dumpers. Once you are completely finished, pull your pants up and swim away as fast as you can.

I have yet to attempt this craft. Please let me know if you have…