Until you’ve perfected the sport of taking a dump in the same amount of time it would take you to take a piss, I urge you to take your time on the throne. Stressing out about whether or not people are aware of what you’re trying to accomplish in the bathroom will give you hemorrhoids and in severe cases; broken eye blood vessels.
So unless you want it written all over your face, take your time. Wipe the toilet seat down with some toilet paper and cover it with even more toilet paper because no one enjoys a wet seat. Sit down and place the garbage can in front of you. Prop your feet up on the can to ensure maximum ease and flow from your perfectly engineered mini-squat position. Make sure you have your smartphone handy because you might as well be productive. Check your emails, catch up on social media, call your parents, etc. Remember that only good things come from sitting on the loo.
Depressed? It’s actually NOT all in your head. As discussed in my previous post, there are neurotransmitters located in the walls of your intestinal tract and while they communicate with your brain, 90% of the communication is actually from bowel to brain, not the other way around. Ever notice how euphoric it feels to take a good dump? That’s because your brain immediately responds by releasing endorphins (the happy hormone). On the other hand, if your pipes are clogged, your waste will start to back up into your brain and you may experience spells of fogginess, exhaustion, and hopelessness.
I must say my most constipated clients are my lawyers and finance people. Why? Because on top of being chained to a desk 12 hours a day with no natural body movement or natural sunlight and endless ordering from Seamless, they have to meet deadlines for people they seemingly despise.
Did you know your nervous system, specifically the enteric nervous system or “second brain” according to some scientists, runs through your digestive system, which means there is a ton of neurotransmitters underneath your poop. Your brain and your butt are constantly talking crap behind your back. So when your brain is stressed out, your bowels will give you some serious silent treatment.
Remember that your bowels are very forgiving. Take a warm Epsom salt bath at the end of the day, take a 30 minute walk outside and/or read something non-work related before bed. And don’t forget to breathe and drink some water to get some O2 up in your system. Your internal environment does not have to be as stagnant as your external environment.
Yeah you do and so does your boyfriend. Unless you guys think it’s cute to look like you’re expecting, I assure you there are no benefits to holding in your gas.
There is nothing more despicable than a poorly executed fart. I’m not into Dutch Ovens or any sort of loud, smelly varieties. I’m a lady, for God’s sake. In fact, it is advisable to let out small, quiet gulps of air, as if you were slowly releasing the air from your bicycle tires. This can be done silently and odorlessly if you carry a book of matches from your favorite restaurant. If you and your “boyfriend” haven’t quite arrived yet, do him a favor and just leave the room or go to the bathroom for a minute to relieve yourself. He will be grateful.
New York Magazine just released an online article on the negative effects of baby wipes. This epidemic has been traced back to the overuse of baby wipes by the general public, and I’m not talking babies. Apparently, adults are secretly obsessed with flushable baby wipes. However, we are not acknowledging that while it’s fun to watch our toilets swallow these baby wipes, these wipes do not disintegrate. They may go down the pipes and instantly out of sight/out of mind, but our sewer plants are suffering and ultimately, our taxpaying wallets.
Now, the quick solution for those who are enviromentally friendly, yet anti- poop streaks is to keep a roll of paper towels in your bathroom and just wet them before you wipe your ass. The smell of baby wipes makes me want to fucking hurl anyway and this way, you maintain some self respect. Just make sure you throw that crap in the garbage. Another amazingly eco-friendly option are Swipes Lovin Wipes. These are flushable AND biodegradable.
Toilet paper gets more play than your vibrator, so naturally, the choice of one ply or two ply is a very intimate preference. To my surpise, many of my clients have never experienced the rawness of one ply. I’m not sure whether to attribute this overwhelming vote for two ply to Charmin’s cuddly teddy bear marketing scheme or whether there is some actual advantage to two ply when it comes to combing your genitals. In my experience, one ply lasts a lot longer, saving the trees, Earth, and your wallet. This is especially true when you buy Seventh Generation recycled paper products (they really do use 80% post-consumer material which also helps preserve landfill space!). I prefer to buy my TP in the 1000 sheet single rolls because they last much longer and look a lot nicer in my TP holder.
Finally, I’d like to end this post with a common problem people may or may not attribute to two ply toilet paper: dingleberries.
It is an honor to be graced by the presence of Tom DeVito AKA Tommy Detox, owner of Release NYC (home to Doody Free Girl), on a daily basis. This Guinea from Staten Island may eat like a pussy, but he poops like a rockstar. I expect nothing less from someone who’s been in the colonic biz for over 15 years. So Tommy Detox has agreed to share his favorite and most crucial recipe of the day for those like myself who suffer from Guinea bathroom envy.
Guinea Wisdom Part One:
“Of all duh things I’ve tried in my life, not a single friggin’ thing worked. Nada. Zero. Zilch, ugotz! Who would have ever thought dat shoving a few carrots trew a juicer would make a difference, ova heer. And then bada-bing! All of uh sudden I feel like a 13-year old boy walking around with a perpetual boner!!
And now I would like to share wit youz, my new friends, some very helpful tipsss to get that healthy shit down yuh troat. First thing you wanna do is find a juice dat tastes good because if it tastes like shit, you won’t drink it twice, guaran-fuckin’-teed. Tuh get the most outa dis, make yuh juice BROWN. Basically, you want it to look like shit, not taste like shit. So, widout furduh ado, here’s my favorite recipe: lotsa romaine lettuce (creates no shitty aftertaste), spinach, celery, parsley, and add loads uh carrots—til it looks like shit, but trust me, it will taste just like chawclit milk…. sawta. And don’t let any asshole tell yiz yuh need the fiber in duh juice. All it does is cause more bloating and den needs digestion. Da whole fucking point utta juice machine is to not have fiber wit duh juice, it’s like mainlining rocket fuel. Bada-fucking-bing!”
English Translation:
“The most essential component to health for vibrant health and youthful energy is juicing PERIOD. Nothing remotely compares to the power of a fresh vegetable juice. My favorite recipe is very palatable: 1 head of romaine, 1 bunch of spinach, 4 stalks of celery, 1 sprig of parsley, and 1 pound of carrots.”
The 51 year old Guinea straining his vegetable juice like a little girl.
My brother recently educated me on how to conduct yourself when confronted with diarrhea and a squat toilet. His opinion is based on a recent experience in India while visiting his girlfriend. Naturally, he got the Delhi Belly for a few days. What I’ve gathered from our conversation is that the only drawback to the squat toilet is the inability to have an enjoyable explosive diarrhea episode without crapping your pants. My brother advised that the squat toilets have porcelain foot imprints for your feet, which you must avoid when you feel the onset of an explosion. In order to avoid crapping your pants, he told me you must put your feet on an angle and then weave your hands between your legs to pull your pants away from the toilet.
I don’t think I’m the only one with a neurotic Tiger mom. Ever since my mother learned how to use email, my inbox has been flooded with chain emails protecting me from gang initiation rapes; exploding hands and death resulting from the use of a charging cell phone (complete with graphic photograph of course); setting myself on fire while pumping gas; kidnapping; and identity theft resulting from the use of pretty much every electronic gadget I own. My new favorite from the China woman is a warning about the food imported from her homeland containing alarming amounts of fecal matter. Crappy imports include fish, honey, cold medicine and frozen vegetables. The email is copied and pasted below for those who’d rather not eat shit.
I’ll listen to any 60-something year old who literally fits in my prom dress. Seriously, that’s my senior prom dress.
Subject: China foods: Should be Known to Everyone
I recently saw a Food inspector on TV…. He said he had lived overseas and he had seen the filthy conditions their foods are raised and processed in.
It is enough to make you throw up. Some foreign workers have to wear masks as they work in these places, because the food is so rotten and filthy, it makes them want to throw up. Many of their Fish on Fish Farms are fed Raw sewage daily. He said he has seen so much filth throughout their food growing and processing that he would “never” eat any of it. They raise this filth , put some food coloring and some flavorings on it, then they ship it to the USA for YOU to consume and feed to YOUR families. They have no Food & Safety Inspectors. They ship it to you to buy and poison your families and friends.
Imported food we eat and the junk we buy
Green Giant frozen vegetables are from China , and so are most of Europe ‘s Best.Arctic Gardens are Okay. So is Birdseye.Never buy the grocery store garlic unless it is clearly marked from USA or Canada, the other stuff is grown in people poop (even worse than chicken poop).
China is the largest producer of garlic in the world. U.S. is next.Buy only local honey, much honey is shipped in huge containers from China and re-packed here.Cold-FX is grown and packed in China and is full of fecal bacteria. Doesn’t work anyway, big scam. If the country of origin is not clearly marked beware. If produce, ask an employee.Watch out for packages which state “prepared for”, “packed by” or “imported by”. I don’t understand the lack of mandatory labeling, especially the produce. The country of origin should be clearly shown on the item in the store. I go to the local farmers’ markets in season and keep a wary eye open the rest of the year.Please read this very carefully, and read to the very bottom. It’s important for all of us.How is it possible to ship food from China cheaper than having it produced in the U.S. or Canada?FOR EXAMPLE THE “OUR FAMILY” BRAND OF MANDARIN ORANGES SAYS RIGHT ON THE CAN ‘FROM CHINA ‘. SO, FOR A FEW MORE CENTS, BUY THE LIBERTY BRAND.
GOLD BRAND OR THE DOLE IS FROM CALIFORNIA
Beware, Costco sells canned peaches and pears in a plastic jar that come from ChinaALL “HIGH LINER” AND MOST OTHER FROZEN FISH PRODUCTS COME FROM CHINA OR INDONESIA . THE PACKAGE MAY SAY “PACIFIC SALMON” ON THE FRONT, BUT LOOK FOR THE SMALL PRINT. MOST OF THESE PRODUCTS COME FROM FISH FARMS IN THE ORIENT WHERE THERE ARE NO REGULATIONS ON WHAT IS FED TO THESE FISH.Recently The Montreal Gazette had an article by the Canadian Government on how Chinese feed the fish: They suspend chicken wire crates over the fish ponds, and the fish feed on chicken s–t.
If you search the internet about what the Chinese feed their fish, you’ll be alarmed; e.g., growth hormones, expired anti-biotic from humans. Never buy any type of fish or shellfish that comes from these countries: Vietnam , China , PhilippinesCheck this out personally. I did. Steinfeld’s Pickles are made in India – just as bad!Another example is in canned mushrooms. No-Name brand came from Indonesia.Also check those little fruit cups. They used to be made in Canada in the Niagara region until about 2 years ago. They are now packaged in China!While the Chinese export inferior and even toxic products, dangerous toys, and goods to be sold in North American markets, the media wrings its hands!Yet, 70% of North Americans believe that the trading privileges afforded to the Chinese should be suspended!Well, duh! Why do you need the government to suspend trading privileges?SIMPLY DO IT YOURSELF, CANADA AND THE U.S.!Simply look on the bottom of every product you buy, and if it says ‘Made in China ‘ or ‘PRC’ (Peoples Republic of China, and that now includes Hong Kong), simply choose another product, or none at all. You will be amazed at how dependent you are on Chinese products, and you will be equally amazed at what you can do without.THINK ABOUT THIS:If 200 million North Americans refuse to buy just $20 each of Chinese goods, that’s a billion dollar trade imbalance resolved in our favor…fast!! The downside? Some Canadian/American businesses will feel a temporary pinch from having foreign stockpiles of inventory.Just one month of trading losses will hit the Chinese for 8% of their North American exports.
Then they will at least have to ask themselves if the benefits of their arrogance and lawlessness are worth it.
START NOW and don’t stop.
Send this to everybody you know. Let’s show them that we are intelligent, and NOBODY can take us for granted
