24 Hours in Hollywood

In an effort to spread the Doody Free Girls Movement nationwide, I took the liberty of experiencing a jet-setting, 24 hour rendezvous in LA to celebrate the release of friend, Kimberly Snyder’s new book, The Beauty Detox Foods. And let’s be honest, I was hoping to make some celebrity connections. I am reporting back that I made only one connection and that involved Dita Von Teese virtually telling me to go F myself when I asked for a picture with her while she was eating.

I had a great time nonetheless and my money shot, ironically, involved no celebrities and was not even taken at the party, but rather with a gem I found on the streets of Venice Beach.

 

broken toilet in venice beach

Categories: Kimberly Snyder, Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Crapping Your Bed is the Coolest.

Good news, ladies! You are given free rein to poop yourself when in labor. You can even piss yourself if you feel like it. I highly recommend you take full advantage of this opportunity as it’s the only socially acceptable time to poop and pee all over your bed once you’ve made it past adolescense.

A pregnant client of mine in her third trimester just started taking birthing classes with her husband this week. I’ve been asking her ad nauseam practically since inception about the chance of pooping oneself during labor. Someone told her that when a woman’s water breaks, she has diarrhea as well to prepare/clear the passageways. While this may be true, that woman wasn’t revealing the whole truth. The truth is, as my client learned in her birthing class, that most women poop the bed. Doctors are trained to discreetly scoop up the poop and act as if it never happened. While the intention is clear, this practice is quite a disservice to women. The fear and embarrassment attached to crapping oneself in front of loved ones, established medical professionals and strangers is traumatic enough, let alone the act of squeezing a miniature homosapien out of the other hole in the process. Perhaps, labor would be a breeze if women were given permission to just let it all go – baby, poop, pee and all.

 

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Girl Code, Pregnancy Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Girls are Dirty.

In an earlier post demanding that guys take better care of their toilets, I failed to mention how despicably filthy women can be when using public toilets. Ironically, men’s public bathrooms are notoriously cleaner than women’s.

I’m sick of walking into a public bathroom and slowly checking out the stalls through my periphery in fear of having my heart jump at the sight of either diarrhea splattered on the seat or period juice smeared all over the front and sides of the toilet seat. How does that happen anyway?  And what respectable woman does not a) glance back down at the toilet to make sure there are no streaks waiting to disgust the next guest and then b) flush the toilet?!!

“Ladies,” let’s be ladies. Let’s end these vomit-inducing trips to the public bathroom. I don’t know about you, but the bathroom is my sanctuary. I love relieving myself and then admiring myself in the mirror for roughly five minutes. I may even throw in a handwash if there’s some delicious smelling handsoap or an Xlerator hand dryer just because I like to see the skin on my hands flap around like sheets in the wind. So after pooping, peeing, and/or vomiting, please wipe yourself AND don’t forget the seat. Merci.

sheets flapping in the wind

 

 

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Girl Code, Period Poo, Public Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Enemas are a Pregnant Lady’s BFF.

If a woman is eating for two, shouldn’t she be pooping for two?? I’ve never been pregnant, but everyone knows pregnant women don’t poop. I’ve been asking all my pregnant clients for some tips & tricks to share with the rest of the knocked up population. It seems like everyone has a different opinion with regards to supplements, foods etc, but one thing seems to work consistently for everyone: enemas! I would not advise a pregnant woman to get a colonic unless she’d been getting colonics regularly pre-preggers, so the next best thing to unclog those baby pipes is to administer an enema at home.

Here’s how:

1. Put the enema bag (Doody Free Girls only recommends the Cara enema bag) together as per directions, fill it up about 2/3 full with room temperature or warm filtered water and hang it from your towel rack in the bathroom.
2. Lube up the enema nozzle with some olive oil and stick it up your rectum while you are laying on the floor on your left side.
3. Unclip the tap so that water flows into you until you feel full, but not to the point where you want to implode. Remove the nozzle from your rectum.
4. Flip on to your back and rub your belly until you can’t hold it any longer and then sit on the toilet with your feet propped up on either a Squatty Potty or your garbage can so that your knees are elevated (this is the position you should always poop in).
5. Crap your brains out. Repeat as necessary until you feel relief.

You’re welcome. Both of you.

Categories: Girl Code, Pregnancy Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

PROBLEM: There is Not Enough Paper.

SOLUTION: The Strips Technique.

1. Don’t call out for someone to bring you more toilet paper. You are at work, not at home.

2. Pray to all the gods whose names you remember (even if only vaguely) that you have a packet of tissues in your pocket. Unfortunately, in this kind of situation, it is rarely the case.

3. Take the toilet paper distributor apart

4. Pick up the empty toilet roll.

5. With your nails, cut off strips of carton, making them as thin as possible.

6. Use this as toilet paper.

Be careful not to make strips that are too thick or you may risk blocking the toilet.

Resources: How to Poo at Work by Mats & Enzo

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Life Hacks Tags: , , , , , , , ,

A Fancy Toilet.

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I sat on my first heated toilet seat complete with bidet and booty dryer this weekend at Mashiko in Seattle. Although this sushi joint impressed me from the gratuitous stash of SushiWhore magnets to their use of sustainable/reusable chopsticks made from surplus wheat supplies, their exclusively sustainable fish menu, and the mere existence of a luxury toilet seat in the bathroom, I’m sad to report that my first luxury toilet seat experience was an utter fail.

Maybe I’m being a little dramatic. The heated seat was very inviting and in fact, I did not want to get up, but the other functions were a) complicated and b) ergonomically incorrect.  Considering all the time I spent trying to figure out the buttons on the side panel of the toilet, I’m ashamed to say I never even pooped. All this work just to pee. There were a total of ten buttons with labels that read shower, bidet, heat, dryer etc. I was most excited to try the bidet function. However, the bidet function blindly beelines water into your crack. I found this moistening irritating, not cleansing. I spent a lot of time deciding whether to try the shower button for obvious reasons. I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect. Was I about to get rained on? No. I just received another shot of water from the front end in addition to the back end. Neither one reached my rectum nor my vagina.  I was sort of okay with this only because I was psyched to try the dryer function and figured if I ever purchased one of these toilet seats, I could adjust the water hoses. But the dryer was no Xlerator. It was one of those frustrating mild, stuffy, why-do-my-hands-feel-dirtier?, I’m-just-going-to-use-paper kind of dryers.  So I ended up using more toilet paper than usual to dry my drenched genitalia and actually washed my hands because I felt a little filthy.

luxury toilet seat with built in bidet and heated seat

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,