Hide Your Bloat.

Bloat is a bitch and it can creep up on you the day of an important event. Luckily, one of my closest friends is a buyer for one of the most prestigious department stores in the world and has offered up her expert advice on how to hide your bloat in style. She attends all of the runway shows in Paris and advises me on how to copy all of her favorite looks for a fraction of the cost. Her latest obsession is the store, Zara, which she believes copies the runway best.  She provided the following advice for those days when you’re feeling like a bloated whale.

 

Bloat and Fashion
2015 Chloe Runway
bloat and kaftan
2015 Zara Online Catalog


“Boho hides the bloat. Caftans are a great way to cover up and still be beachy if you’re not feeling bikini-ready quite yet.”

Bloat and black dress
2015 Givenchy Runway
bloat and off-the-shoulder dress
2015 Zara Online Catalog


“An open shoulder is a perfect way to wear a loose fitting dress or top that hides the parts you want to be hidden, but also shows some skin in a sexy
way.”

bloat and denim dress
2015 Chloe Runway
bloat and denim copy
2015 Zara Online Catalog

“Denim is really on trend right now and even better, it is light enough for summer and also forgiving enough to hide any areas that you don’t want exposed.”

bloat and chloe runway
2015 Chloe Runway
bloat and oversize dress
2015 Zara Online Catalog


“This oversized shape is the ultimate answer to hiding a bloated stomach-or anything at all for that matter.” 

bloat and wedding
2015 Zara Online Catalog
bloat and lace
2015 Chloe Runway

“Shift dresses are always in style and are always an easy shape to wear. They’re basically just a square, so everything underneath is sure to be concealed.”

bloat and overalls
2015 Zara Online Catalog
bloat and nina ricci resort
2015 Nina Ricci (Resort)

“Overalls came back around last year and are still going strong. Whether you ate something that didn’t agree with you or its that time of the month, overalls will surely hide it! These lace versions are a super fun update for summer.”

Categories: Bloat-Friendly Fashion Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Never Wipe Your Ass With Leaves (of Three).

A recent “detox rash” turned out to be a torturous case of poison ivy. Wrapping it up the way I did to cover it only made it spread across my entire forearm! I’ve never had poison ivy before and for whatever reason, thought it was just some mythological beast, despite the memory of my friend in third grade who had a crusty case of it all over her face.

Contracting poison ivy has taught me some valuable life lessons:

1. Poison ivy does exist and it looks like this (the middle leaf has an exposed stem):  poison-ivy

2. Don’t touch furry strangers.

3. You probably shouldn’t rub your genitals with anything you find in the woods.

4. Don’t scratch a poison ivy rash. Instead, melt ice cubes on it to take care of the itch.

5. Liver cleanses may or may not cause you to break out in a devastating rash.

For a minute, I was fed up with these liver cleanses and the rashes they seemed to start promising. I will be starting my next one this week for anyone who cares to join!

Categories: Liver and Gallbladder Cleanse, Skin Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Raffle Winner!

I want to thank everyone who came to the opening of the Brunswick Center on Saturday! Each business here was raffling off something, so to keep myself from feeling left out, I raffled off a colonic along with a Doody Free Girl swag package. Oddly enough, many of my “contestants” made the silly declaration of not wanting a colonic.

In any case, the winner is: Laura Nardell! I hope you want a colonic 😉

Categories: Current Local Events

Open House!

If you’re a little shy about irrigating your ass and whatnot, please come by my open house this Saturday, June 6th from 12-3pm. I will be here to give you presents, show you around and answer all of your anal questions.

I am located on the third floor of The Brunswick Center (189 Brunswick Street, Jersey City, NJ 07302), which was formerly a Catholic school. The Brunswick Center is Jersey City’s first ever wellness and education center, comprised of mostly fitness studios (Power-house Pilates, Jersey City Ballet, Rush Cycling, Jersey City Kickboxing, Jersey City Ballroom Dancing) and colon cleansing (hehe).

Jersey City Ballet will be hosting a free 45 minute ballet bar workout at noon. I love this workout and hope you can come try it for yourself!

Bring your friends. Bring your enemies. There will be plenty of food and wine for all from Jersey City’s finest caterers and vendors on the main floor. Just make sure you bring an extra glass of wine up to the third floor 😉

xoxo jen

 

BC Ribbon Cutting Social Media Flyer

Categories: Current Local Events, Exercise Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Doody Free Girl Shit-Anywhere Candles!

I’ve already established that I love all things that smell good and a good-smelling candle is no exception. There’s something sweet and welcoming about a lit candle, especially in unexpected corners of a home such as the bathroom. So my new addition to the Doody Free Girl space are my handmade Bathroom Soy Travel Candles scented with lemongrass essential oil and complete with Doody Free Girl Shit-Anywhere matches.  Take these on your next trip to ensure a romantic bathroom experience anywhere. Stop by the shop!

travel candles

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

The Importance of a Sexy Scent.

My eyesight and my hearing may be shit, but my heightened sense of smell is that of a weed-sniffing canine. Things can get a little stinky in my line of work, so you can bet your ass the Doody Free Girl shop is equipped with top-of-the-line therapeutic essential oil diffusers that actually sanitize and humidify the air while emitting a pleasant lemongrass aroma.

Clients are always asking me what smells so good in the Doody Free shop. A few of my favorite oils for diffusing are White Fir and Lavender, but my absolute go-to for a sweet, crisp smell is lemongrass. I cannot get enough of this clean scent, so it is always being diffused in the shop! I actually ordered it just out of curiosity because I’d been testing all of the available scents to see which one I really took to. Honestly, I don’t care which oil is going to bring me peace and harmony if it smells like shit (you’ll find all kinds of New Age-y promises in essential oil land). I will only diffuse smells that make me want to take my clothes off. I don’t even know what that means, but it’s a good thing! Anyhow, lemongrass has that effect on me. So I did a little research on the benefits of lemongrass and I was pleasantly surprised to find out how appropriately compatible lemongrass and colonics are!

Lemongrass is widely used for its anti-fungal, anti-microbial, and anti-bacterial properties. Apparently, it’s good for hoarders too. I guess it helps you let go, which is important during a colonic! It is also a good sedative (also important for a colonic). Lemongrass can also be diffused to kill airborne bacteria and air pollution. A client even told me it’s good for nausea, which some people do experience during a treatment.

Aside from all of the health benefits, I think everyone can agree that a good smell will just put you in a good mood. Don’t worry about spending too much on essential oils. Bulk Apothecary offers great deals on therapeutic essential oils, including lemongrass. I prefer the organic variety, although they also sell conventional lemongrass for a bit cheaper.

Resources: Sustainable Baby Steps

 

 

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Smells Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Slippery Poops.

Let’s talk about slippery elm root powder, people! I’m not a fan of supplements because I’m cheap and lazy, but if there’s one or two things I suggest you take on the regular, it’s magnesium and slippery elm root powder. I feel like I’ve discussed magnesium at length, so today’s post focuses on slippery elm!

According to my box of Celebration Herbals Slippery Elm Bark Powder (purchased at Whole Foods), it has the ability to absorb 10 times its weight in water, forming a gel. And according to one of my idols, the late Dr. John O.A. Pagano, it absorbs gas in the body while coating the intestinal tract, preventing seepage of toxins. Furthermore, its gelatinous texture aids in bowel evacuation. Dr. Pagano considered the ingestion of slippery elm root in various forms, a critical habit in healing the intestinal walls and ultimately, any skin disorder. His instructions are very specific: Drink slippery elm root tea every morning at least a half hour before breakfast for ten days and then every other day. Steep 1/2 teaspoon of the slippery elm root powder in a cup of warm water for 15 minutes. Then make sure to drink it in the next 15 minutes before it spoils. It doesn’t really taste like anything. Additionally, you can keep a pack of Thayer’s Slippery Elm lozenges in your bag and eat them throughout the day. They’re delicious! I love the maple flavor best.

Warning: Do not ingest if pregnant or expecting to become pregnant as it can cause miscarriage.

Tin-Maple-side-RGB
Healthy Candy!

 

 

Categories: Pregnancy Poo, Supplements Tags: , , , , , , , ,

My Skin Secret.

I just ran out of my Cow Fart Juice and realized I’ve never shared my skin secret! Okay, so the big secret is that I don’t wash my face…like EVER. My face has never felt good after washing it. Instead, my face would get so dry and itchy, I would have to smother “night cream” all over, which would end up clogging my pores and ultimately, give me more blemishes. So intuitively, I just stopped washing my face and every once in a while when it would feel dry, I’d put some shea butter on it. However, my face would still get crusty on the sides of my nose and I would get mild eczema patches underneath and around my eyebrows and hairline until I discovered oil cleansing!

I found this amazing holistic esthetician, Melanie, at Brooklyn Herborium in Red Hook, Brooklyn who taught me how to properly take care of my face. Using the same principles as oil pulling for your teeth, Melanie uses oils to pull the oils and dirt from your face. Everything she used on my face was made in-house using 100% natural tinctures with anti-bacterial, anti-microbrial properties, so my face did not swell up or scar after extractions. I even went straight to an event that evening and received compliments on my skin!

I purchased some of the products she used including the Cow Fart Juice oil (which was clearly meant to be mine because I did not even acknowledge the label until I was on the train!) and the Sow Your Wild Oats Grain Cleanser. Two or three times a week, after a hot shower, I just mix a tiny bit of the grain cleanser into a dropper full of the oil, rub it all over my face and then wipe it off with a warm, wet towel. When my skin feels dry in between cleansing, I still rub some raw shea butter on it, which you can get at any health market or for super cheap from the African dude in Union Square.

What I loved most about Brooklyn Herborium is their philosophy. Washing your face and even oil cleansing is not an everyday essential duty. In fact, I was advised to only use the products two or three times a week. What is mostly discussed during your treatment is the connection between daily lifestyle habits (diet, stress, emotional state) and your skin, which I am completely in line with. The former needs to be clear for the latter to follow suit.

Beauty is an inside-out thang. Always has been and always will be… but a little Cow Fart Juice never hurt nobody!

oil cleansing cow fart juice

Categories: Skin Tags: , , , , , , , ,

This is Where I Leave You.

I am on the airplane right now heading from Tokyo to Hong Kong. I am a new fan of Cathay Pacific Airways. I hate to admit it, but I wasn’t looking all forward to this trip solely based on the 24 hours of travel time from NYC to Japan via Hong Kong. I thought that this would be the longest I’d ever traveled in one shot, but I conveniently forgot about the 17 hour bus ride to Lobitos, Peru preceded by the 7 hour flight to Lima last year, which I’ve actually taken numerous times already. In comparison, the flight to Hong Kong is a breeze with its selection of music and movies, clean bathrooms and free wine.

I’ve even discovered a few new genres of music I enjoy! I can’t tell you what they are, but there’s a group called Caribou, a girl named Taylor Swift and something called Hed Kandi (a mix of various artists). I’ve been listening to all of the above ad nauseam.

I’ve also had time to catch up on some Oscar noms and other movies. I just finished watching This is Where I Leave You, featuring Jason Bateman, Jane Fonda, and Tina Fey. A client of mine had told me about this movie a while ago, but I completely forgot about it and just finally got a chance to see it. I must say I absolutely adored this movie and did not want it to end! I love a movie that will make me laugh like an idiot on an airplane. There’s even an entire potty training element to the movie with a little boy fully committed to potty training, dragging his potty everywhere he goes. After tossing his T-shaped poops at his dad doesn’t go over so well, the little boy learns to drag his ass and his potty outside whenever he needs to take a dump. You’ll catch him pooping in his potty on the front step, the back porch and even in the basement while his mom is trying to screw her brother-in-law. I’m telling you, this movie has it all!

In any case, just thought you’d appreciate an update. I’ve been getting emails from you all asking if I’m coming home. Trust me, I am SO looking forward to opening Doody Free Girl in Jersey City next week and seeing you all! I’m back late tomorrow night, but dead to the world until Thursday.

xoxo
j

 

airplane selfie

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

WANT vs NEED.

I’m at the Tokyo airport right now waiting to board my flight to Hong Kong. This trip has revealed how grossly inferior the American race is to the Japanese with regards to anal hygiene. They even sell toilet attachments in Duty Free for goodness sake! I already ordered a Toto Washlet for the office, but what I really NEED is this automatic cleaning toilet with UV light…

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette Tags: , , , , , , , ,