Wait Before Knocking Twice.

The other day, I had to take a major shit after lunch. I knew it was going to epic judging by my protruding belly and the fact that I hadn’t had a good one in a few days since I started taking a new iron supplement. I had a nice break before my evening clients, so I was really looking forward to spending some quality time blowing up my bathroom.

When I arrived home, some dude was on a ladder right in front of my apartment digging his hands through the ceiling. I have no idea what he was fixing, but in order to not scare the shit out of him, I politely whispered that I was going to sneak past him into my apartment. Once inside, I dropped my bags, ran to the bathroom and birthed a pile of poo. It was very satisfying, but not a clean sweep if you know what I mean. Mid-wipe there was a knock on the door. Fucking shit! It’s probably the ladder dude, who is now going to think I’m avoiding him or just plain rude. I tried wiping the residual mud from my asshole, but it ends up spreading like butter instead. A second, more aggressive knock on the door follows, so I throw some toilet paper in my underwear and answer the door. It turned out to be my landlord asking me if my water was running, which I knew it wasn’t since the second flush after my courtesy flush (I have a foster kitten in my bathroom) did not go down. They quickly resolved the issue, but I think the more pressing issue is giving people enough time to drop their bags and a healthy deuce upon arriving home. What happened to chivalry?

Alway courtesy flush when there's company
I always feel bad bombing this little munchkin.

 

 

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette

Mustaches are for Men

I’m proud to say my clients learn all sorts of shit from me. I will do my best to teach you the things that could make your life better. You want to know where the best health markets in NYC and Jersey City are? You want to know where to get the best facials? You want to know how to lose weight sustainably? I’m your girl.

So it’s no surprise, that I will also teach you how to affordably and safely rip out your peach fuzz mustache, should this be one of your goals in life. I’ve been getting my stache waxed, plucked or threaded since middle school shortly after I was first teased about it. Being more of a DIYer, going to the salon is a major drag even for only a few minutes. In fact, before discovering laser hair removal, I’d spent many hours in the bathroom waxing my own vagina and mutilating myself trying to extract the ingrown hairs (0% fun).  If you’re an existing client or subscribe to my weekly newsletters, you already know about my love for laser hair removal. Now, it is my duty to share with you a more recent discovery that will allow you to “thread” your own mustache without ripping off your skin: the REM Spring.

 

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Categories: Life Hacks Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Protein Makes You Constipated

Somewhere along the line, a cultural obsession with protein developed along with the desire to look like this:

 

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Because that’s normal…

I know what bodybuilders go through to look like this and it involves a lot of dead chickens, food obsessing, no life outside the gym, fat burning pills, zero shits (but infinite fucks) and intentional dehydration. I don’t understand why this sounds appealing only to end up looking like The Hulk and forever shop in Plus Size (or not….)

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Aside from thinking bodybuilding is some weird shit, I want to drive home the point that we are a protein-obsessed culture. Friends and clients alike ask me all the time how I get my protein since I don’t eat meat or fish. Vegans will always pose the argument that we get substantial, if not excess protein from plant food because a lot of our leafy greens contain the amino acids necessary to build complete proteins in our bodies. One cup of spinach has 7 grams of protein! I mean, have you seen the guns on Popeye!

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Meat on the other hand, is a complete protein, which requires our bodies to break down the amino acids before assimilating it. Additionally, some of the proteins are destroyed from cooking. Heavy meat eating can also result in heart and kidney issues, so the healthiest way to get your protein is from your veggies.

So for all my protein-obsessed vegans, there are ways to get beefy without eating beef. My friend and idol, Mike Perrine (@EveryDayDetox), offers up his perfected protein shake recipe. Mike is the biggest fucking vegan hipster, foodie, health-nut kinda dude and yes ladies, he’ll make you some pickles (Tinder profile photo below. Popeye resemblance?).

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Follow his Snapchat to learn some invaluable shit, including how to make smoothies the right way and where to find vintage graffiti in NYC. After weeks of begging, he finally produced this recipe chock full of protein derived from hemp seeds. Hemp seeds pack a whopping 5 grams of protein per tablespoon along with 6 times more omega-3s than tuna, plus they’re rich in fiber and trace minerals. It’s pretty much a perfect food.

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THE PERRINE GREEN HEMP BROTEIN SMOOTHIE – makes 24 oz.

3 T hemp protein
2 T Vitamineral Green
3 Medjool Dates
3 Dried Turkish Figs
Pinch of Celtic Sea Salt
3 C Fresh Almond Walnut Milk (wtf Mike! Who has time for this shit?!)
15 (16 is poisonous) Raw Cacao beans (optional)

  1. Check your dried fruits for bugs and pits.
  2. If you have the time, soak your dates and figs in the nut milk for twenty minutes to one hour.
  3. In a Vitamix blend the first six ingredients until smooth.
  4. Add the cacao beans and pulse for 5 seconds to create the chocolate chip effect.

 

 

Categories: Exercise, Idols, Supplements, Vegan Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Wiseguyz Show

Tune in to The Wiseguyz Show on DDV Radio tonight from 8-10pm to listen to us talk a bunch of shit. Spelling is clearly not their forte (see promo and tune-in directions below), but they seem like a good way to spend your Hump Day nonetheless.

 

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Categories: Current Local Events Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Team Walker Ryde Tomorrow!

Across from the hallway from the Doody Free Girl studio at the Brunswick Center is Rush Cycling. Heidi, one of the owners, was a client of mine in Manhattan before I ever moved back to New Jersey from Brooklyn. She kept pressing me to open a space in Jersey, and after much resistance, I agreed to check out the Brunswick Center because she wouldn’t shut up about it. I immediately fell in love with the idea of working at an old Catholic school renovated into a community wellness center….and here I am.

Heidi is one of my dear friends who I respect and admire for her drive and encouraging attitude. I hope you will join me this Sunday as she, along with Not Lost JC (a direct-action animal rights kollectiv) has generously agreed to host two spin classes, the proceeds from which will benefit Team Walker. Team Walker is a local organization here in Jersey City dedicated to providing a healthy outlet for our inner city youth through after-school programs that build on community. When Andy Hertz, founder of Not Lost JC, heard that Rush Cycling was upgrading their bikes, he got in touch with Team Walker to see if they could use the old bikes. The only catch was that the pedals, seats, and handle bars/stems needed to be replaced. Real Ryder has generously agreed to offer these parts at wholesale, which will cost $1700.

So please come ride with us tomorrow. There will be drinks and brunch to follow down the street at the White Star Bar on Brunswick Street. I look forward to seeing you 🙂

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Categories: Current Local Events, Exercise Tags: , , , , , , , ,

The Infrared Sauna

Yesterday, CBS News aired a segment on the benefits of infrared saunas starring yours truly. Watch me sweat and verbally express that I’m sweating. It’s quite riveting!

But seriously, infrared saunas majorly improve the texture of your skin. It is something I recommend for those doing my Skin Cleanse. Infrared saunas are different from ordinary saunas because they use infrared light (experienced as heat), which is the invisible part of the sun’s spectrum that has the ability to penetrate the human tissue and offer health benefits. It raises your core temperature (versus the ordinary sauna, which just heats the air), extracting toxins on a cellular level while speeding up metabolism and circulation. It has been clinically proven to lower blood pressure and shrink waistlines. In addition to giving my skin a healthy flush, I swear it smooths out cellulite too!

I am fortunate to work at DTX Cellular Evolution (54th Street between 3rd and 2nd Ave) in Manhattan on Tuesdays, where they have two beautiful infrared sauna rooms complete with showers for all of your sweaty needs. I make it a point to get my ass in the sauna every Tuesday for at least 20 minutes, depending on my mood. I’ve stayed in for as long as an hour, but usually after 20-30 minutes I already feel as if I’d spent the day at the beach!

Happy sweating!

Categories: Supplements Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Fatigue

I have to say I’m super bummed about a one star Yelp rating I just received. I take my client’s well-being very seriously and only hope to manage expectations effectively. That said, here’s what the Yelp review states:

 

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This is most definitely a legitimate concern and I agree with this client that a disclaimer is in order. Fatigue can be a detox response to a colonic. Colonics are inherently a detoxification procedure that may result in brief fatigue and/or bloating due to the “stirring of the pot.” Dormant toxins that are “sleeping” on the intestinal walls are gently stirred up and flushed out of the system. While much of these toxins get eliminated, your colon is designed to absorb water, so naturally some of the toxins get reabsorbed, which is why it is important to stay hydrated afterward to continue flushing them out of your system. It’s always a good idea to stay plenty hydrated after a colonic and replenish electrolytes with coconut water. Drinking plenty of hot lemon water is also a good idea as is sticking to liquids for a few hours post treatment to give your digestion a bit of a break. For those serious about cleansing, I suggest sticking to liquids for the remainder of the day after a colonic.

Most importantly, colonics are designed to accompany and encourage a cleansing, healthy lifestyle. Healthy lifestyles include plenty of vegetables and whole foods and less meat,dairy, alcohol and processed foods. Colonics should not be used as a crutch for poor eating habits where one is only to return to eating shit immediately afterward or even in the days that follow. There’s nothing wrong with the occasional indulgence, but adopting a healthy lifestyle should always follow the 80/20 rule, where being healthy at least 80% of the time is the general rule.

It saddens me that a client would feel sick for a month without informing me or discussing possible remedies. I hope that all of my current and future clients feel comfortable sharing any and all issues/concerns they may have as I pride myself in full disclosure. And free consultations are always granted to those who have requested it, so if you are weary about getting a colonic and feel more comfortable checking out the Doody Free Girl studio before committing to a treatment, please do not hesitate to ask!

Categories: Colonics Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Oil Pulling Away Your Cavities??

One of my clients swears that just a year ago, her dentist thought she was “the most disgusting creature” due to her slacking in the oral hygiene department, maybe brushing once a day and flossing every few days. I have to admit, I can completely relate to said client.

Unless you’re constantly shoving processed, sugary or acidic foods into your mouth (which can alter your body’s PH, lowering your immunity and deteriorate your teeth) I feel the same way about brushing your teeth as I do about washing your face: you don’t need to do it as often as marketers would like you to believe. The saliva in your mouth, just like the sebum on your skin, is designed to protect your body from microbial invasion. According to the Mayo Clinic, it washes away food particles and neutralizes acids produced by bacteria in your mouth. However, certain medications can hamper saliva production, requiring diligent oral care.

I encourage you to consider effective, natural alternatives that have been proven to reduce oral deterioration when you’re tired of being told what to do. I’ve shared the joys of oil cleansing (or pulling) for both your teeth and your face. I go through extended periods of time not oil pulling my teeth out of sheer laziness, but as soon as I start to feel like a complete dirtbag, I’ll swish coconut oil in my mouth as soon as I wake up for at least ten minutes, followed by tongue scraping, a warm water rinse and then a quick brush with either plain water or some toothpaste. I try to brush and floss my teeth every night, but if I’m falling asleep on the couch to The Real Housewives, ain’t nobody got time for that shit.

The client who inspired this post came into the Doody Free shop the other day singing the praises of oil cleansing. Her first visit to the dentist last year after a significant absence resulted in four cavities. She refused to accept this diagnosis, and began oil pulling for a few months before getting a second opinion. The second dentist assured her that her teeth were perfect and so was her home oral care. Boom.

Brush less. Watch more TV.

 

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Categories: Life Hacks, Skin Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Ain’t Got Shit To Do Today?

Today is Modern Sage’s Annual Health Fair. Grab your yoga mat and join me for free meditation and yoga on the streets beginning at noon today! I’ll be there until 4pm educating this town on the power of the poo. I’d love to see some old and new faces so bring your friends and family! We’ll be posted up right across the street from my favorite tea shop, Tea NJ, so grab some tea and get your ass to the Health Fair!

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Categories: Current Local Events Tags: , , , , , , , , ,