Legs Sleeping on the Toilet?

Why do your legs fall asleep while you’re trying to drop a deuce, you ask? The basic answer is that the position you are sitting in is compressing certain nerves and veins that restrict blood flow to your legs, causing them to tingle. Not even my Squatty Potty can resolve this issue. While I’m an advocate of maximizing your time on the potty in order to achieve complete satisfaction, I don’t encourage you to wait until your legs fall asleep. This usually takes about ten minutes on the bowl and by then, you’re risking hemorrhoids or irritating any existing hemorrhoids.

If you do find your legs sleeping on the toilet regularly, make sure you are not just immersed in Facebook stalking and that you periodically stretch your legs out.

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Eco-friendly & Butt-friendly One-Ply.

I’ve already established that I’m a fan of one-ply toilet paper understandably so. But for those who refuse to demote themselves to the degrading one-ply, I encourage you to a) think about the toilet paper shortages all over the world  (I’ll be running that line on my future children even more than the “starving children in Africa” line) and b) consider trying Walgreen’s/Duane Reade’s eco-friendly line called Ology’s toilet paper, which is made from sugarcane husks and bamboo (not trees) and feels somewhere in the middle of a one-ply and two-ply roll. I prefer to buy the single rolls of 1,000 sheets because I’ve done the math and they definitely last a lot longer. Plus they look more inviting on a toilet paper roll holder. 

Ology toilet paper roll

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Never Hold It In!!

It took me much of my adolescence to overcome my fear of any unexpected self-inflicted bodily violence in the form of food rejecting barf or explosive diarrhea. As a child, every time I threw up, I would immediately cry. Perhaps it was the feeling of hot lava burning my esophagus followed by the aftertaste of a spoiled spaghetti sauce and stomach bile cocktail that I found so traumatizing. But who’s to say? I’m so happy bulimia could have never worked out for me! Diarrhea was the same story. It wouldn’t drive me to tears, but I would hold it in until I turned green. I was terrified of diarrhea because it would burn my a*hole as it exited, coloring the entire toilet with toxic excrement full of identifiable food particles, while exuding a foul odor that could penetrate bricks and mortar. No thank you.

But my mother’s constant reassurance that I would feel better after either throwing up or exploding on the toilet is what allowed me to finally heed my body’s warnings. I even admire diarrhea now for its hurricane speed and the instant relief in its aftermath. I don’t understand anymore why anyone would want to stop or delay this act of God by taking Pepto-Bismol or Imodium when a solution to one’s ills can be had with just an express trip to the bathroom! Just make sure to always carry a book of matches (AKA air fresheners) in your purse.

shit anywhere matches

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Express Yourself.

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Today was a “water day” and not because it’s raining outside, but because the water at the Doody Free Girl headquarters was shut off due to maintenance, and therefore, all colonic appointments had to be cancelled. So I got to stay home and ponder ways in which you can express yourself and start talking crap with your loved ones. Here are some segues into one of life’s most important conversations.

The best way to express yourself is right at the moment when nature calls. If it’s a boyfriend, it should be a gentle “I need to use the bathroom. Please don’t wait for me, I’ll be a while” or “I gotta go, if you know what I’m saying” or “I need to take care of business” or for the more brazen, “Excuse me, but I really have to drop a deuce.” This should go over well as long as you don’t adopt a trucker’s mouth. Keep it ladylike and never apologize. It’s okay if he initially says “eeew” or “groooossss.” Just giggle as you skip to the loo. Hopefully, he asks you how you’re feeling after you relieve yourself to which you respond, “Soooo much better. Thank you for waiting.” Then end the conversation with a huge smile and sigh of relief. This will make him feel like he’s contributed, while opening the door for further communication later on. You’ll be on the fast track to covering for each other as you bomb the bathroom of your favorite brunch spot.

Sharing bowel issues with females should be an easier task and involve much less anxiety. You can always win a girl over with one word: constipation. Girls love talking about constipation. I remember being so constipated after a flight to a women’s surf camp in Mexico that the only thing I could concentrate on in this paradise was getting the hard rocks out of my rear. I immediately broke the ice with another girl at this camp by discussing my utter frustration with travel constipation. She immediately took me to the local pharmacy to purchase an enema. I wasn’t ready to start sticking things up my bottom on vacation, but I was very much impressed with this chick’s knowledge of constipation remedies and overall acceptance of poop talk. And above all, she waited for me and encouraged me to take my time as I rocked back and forth on the toilet giving birth to a pile of rocks. She may live in London now, but this type of special bond can transcend the Atlantic.

So don’t be scared to talk about going #2. It unites and it feels damn good.

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Why You Really Need A Plunger In Your Bathroom.

Girls and boys, a proper bathroom should be outfitted with common emergency materials. The following advice is derived from actual events.

1. Keep a plunger directly next to your toilet, not in your laundry room, janitor’s closet etc. Why? Because your girlfriend just may take a massive dump and clog your toilet. Trust me, she will never admit to taking a McDump in your toilet nor will she ask you for a plunger.

2. Always have paper towels or fancy hand napkins available in addition to hand towels. Why? Because when your girlfriend decides to attempt plunging her first toilet at your place, you better believe muddy water is going to splash all over the floor. I’m pretty sure you don’t appreciate soiled bathroom towels discreetly placed back on the towel rack.

3. Always keep multi-purpose cleaning spray under the bathroom sink. Why? Because any lady or gentleman, when provided paper towels and cleaning product, will clean up after themselves. This is not limited to #2 emergencies, but also includes manly pee stream splits where only one stream actually lands in the toilet.

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Take Your Time.

Until you’ve perfected the sport of taking a dump in the same amount of time it would take you to take a piss, I urge you to take your time on the throne. Stressing out about whether or not people are aware of what you’re trying to accomplish in the bathroom will give you hemorrhoids and in severe cases; broken eye blood vessels.

So unless you want it written all over your face, take your time. Wipe the toilet seat down with some toilet paper and cover it with even more toilet paper because no one enjoys a wet seat. Sit down and place the garbage can in front of you. Prop your feet up on the can to ensure maximum ease and flow from your perfectly engineered mini-squat position. Make sure you have your smartphone handy because you might as well be productive. Check your emails, catch up on social media, call your parents, etc. Remember that only good things come from sitting on the loo.

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Got Gas?

Yeah you do and so does your boyfriend. Unless you guys think it’s cute to look like you’re expecting, I assure you there are no benefits to holding in your gas.

There is nothing more despicable than a poorly executed fart. I’m not into Dutch Ovens or any sort of loud, smelly varieties. I’m a lady, for God’s sake. In fact, it is advisable to let out small, quiet gulps of air, as if you were slowly releasing the air from your bicycle tires. This can be done silently and odorlessly if you carry a book of matches from your favorite restaurant. If you and your “boyfriend” haven’t quite arrived yet, do him a favor and just leave the room or go to the bathroom for a minute to relieve yourself. He will be grateful.

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Butt Wipes.

New York Magazine just released an online article on the negative effects of baby wipes. This epidemic has been traced back to the overuse of baby wipes by the general public, and I’m not talking babies. Apparently, adults are secretly obsessed with flushable baby wipes. However, we are not acknowledging that while it’s fun to watch our toilets swallow these baby wipes, these wipes do not disintegrate. They may go down the pipes and instantly out of sight/out of mind, but our sewer plants are suffering and ultimately, our taxpaying wallets.

Now, the quick solution for those who are enviromentally friendly, yet anti- poop streaks is to keep a roll of paper towels in your bathroom and just wet them before you wipe your ass. The smell of baby wipes makes me want to fucking hurl anyway and this way, you maintain some self respect. Just make sure you throw that crap in the garbage. Another amazingly eco-friendly option are Swipes Lovin Wipes. These are flushable AND biodegradable.

Cheers!

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One Ply or Two Ply?

Toilet paper gets more play than your vibrator, so naturally, the choice of one ply or two ply is a very intimate preference. To my surpise, many of my clients have never experienced the rawness of one ply. I’m not sure whether to attribute this overwhelming vote for two ply to Charmin’s cuddly teddy bear marketing scheme or whether there is some actual advantage to two ply when it comes to combing your genitals.  In my experience, one ply lasts a lot longer, saving the trees, Earth, and your wallet. This is especially true when you buy Seventh Generation recycled paper products (they really do use 80% post-consumer material which also helps preserve landfill space!). I prefer to buy my TP in the 1000 sheet single rolls because they last much longer and look a lot nicer in my TP holder.

Finally, I’d like to end this post with a common problem people may or may not attribute to two ply toilet paper: dingleberries.

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