Fashion for your Bloated Ass

My best friend and fashion idol is one of the head buyers at Bergdorf Goodman, what I believe is the highest grossing department store in Manhattan because everything they sell is expensive as shit. My friend is rather private and OCD (I should know, we were college roommates), so let’s just call her Anal. Anal has had the best style since I’ve known her, so it’s only natural that I consistently look to her for fashion advice. She travels to Paris every month to choose the trends of the season. Luckily, big ass baggy tie-dye tshirts are currently in style (not sure that they ever weren’t). Here’s some Anal fashion advice on how to look good even when you feel like shit:

 

If you’re stomach isn’t feeling 100% flat and you would prefer to hide it until you feel better then below are a few forgiving looks to try from the spring runway.

A midi skirt and an oversized sweater hide just about everything while still looking chic. Below are a few Dior looks from Resort and Spring:

bloat wear

 

bloat fashion

An oversized jacket masks everything going on underneath. They are also perfect for the spring weather that is hopefully on the horizon. Below are a few looks from Chanel and Dior:

bloat fashion

bloat fashion

A wide leg pant with a loose waist is not only super comfortable but you will definitely feel small under all that fabric even if it’s not your skinniest day. Below is a favorite from Brandon Maxwell:

Bloat Fashion

Tye dye is a huge trend for Spring and tee shirts are the easiest way to pick up the trend. A simple tee paired back to a cargo pant or short will cover your stomach and still look cute. Below are a few examples from Stella McCartney:

Bloat Fashion

 

Bloat fashion

Pajama dressing has been around for a bit now but it’s still relevant and also the epitome of ease and comfort. Below are a few examples from FRS:

Bloat fashion

Just because you have a black tie event to go to doesn’t mean you have to be uncomfortable, even if you’re feeling bloated. The below looks from Chanel and Brandon Maxwell cover your stomach and still allow you to eat and drink all night long:

Bloat Fashion

Bloat Fashion

 

If all else fails, try a voluminous mini dress. This shape is cute and effortless in the summer and you will feel great regardless of what is going on inside. Below are a couple looks from Valentino and Zimmerman:

Bloat Fashion
Categories: Bloat-Friendly Fashion, Idols, Life Hacks

A Tight Squeeze

Yesterday I was wearing these “cool” new yoga leggings, but had to take them off in the middle of the day to work pant-less because they were giving me gas. Not so fucking cool.

I felt the need to write this post because almost instantaneously, my gas went away. Comfort (and especially bowel health) should not be compromised to squeeze into the latest trend, especially when it comes to workout clothing. Clothing is meant to accommodate and cover your body, not squeeze you so tight you have zero room to even pass gas.

Did you know the average person passes a balloon’s worth of gas each day? (Thank you @IFuckingLoveScience). Now imagine if you were unable to pass any gas and how uncomfortable you would generally feel. Gas can make you feel like you’re having a heart attack, give you heartburn, give you back pain and it can make you burp like a trucker – there’s nothing wrong with burping to alleviate the gas pressure, but if you’re burping because you’re majorly backed up, then your fumes probably smell like shit.

You fart a balloon's worth of gas a day

I know a lot of women who are avid Spanx consumers. I find it hard to believe that wearing Spanx on the regular won’t fuck you up in the long run. Dr. Holly of CBS News declares that shapewear is the new girdle, causing all sorts of issues from rib compression to nerve compression, abdominal distention and even blood clotting.  I have always found regular tights to give me gas, so I wouldn’t even dream of spending all day in Spanx. Anything that will hold your stomach in all day, while keeping you from farting is bound to contribute to some major internal gas pressure that will ultimately result in bowel distention. But at least no one will notice because Spanx will be containing your bloated ass…right?!

Rather than continue this torture, I believe the best clothing are stylish, bloat-friendly clothing. I’ve created Pinterest boards for both men and women on what I consider timeless, bloat-friendly fashion. You can now let it all hang out without feeling like a total slob. I will also be creating a board for workout clothing because your midsection should feel sore from your workout, not from your workout clothes.

Categories: Bloat-Friendly Fashion Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I Thinx Not!!!

Two things happened yesterday: I got my period and one of my favorite clients did too, only in the worst way. She was testing out the new Thinx underwear that are designed to absorb two tampons worth of menstruation. You may have seen the following obscene advertisements in the subway (the girl in the first ad is not me):

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My client can attest that these panties do not have your back, as she bled straight through on to her pants even while wearing a tampon. I’m not sure how I feel about period soaked panties anyhow…I’ll stick to my nasty period soaked pads and Diva Cup for now.

Categories: Bloat-Friendly Fashion, Period Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Hide Your Bloat.

Bloat is a bitch and it can creep up on you the day of an important event. Luckily, one of my closest friends is a buyer for one of the most prestigious department stores in the world and has offered up her expert advice on how to hide your bloat in style. She attends all of the runway shows in Paris and advises me on how to copy all of her favorite looks for a fraction of the cost. Her latest obsession is the store, Zara, which she believes copies the runway best.  She provided the following advice for those days when you’re feeling like a bloated whale.

 

Bloat and Fashion
2015 Chloe Runway
bloat and kaftan
2015 Zara Online Catalog


“Boho hides the bloat. Caftans are a great way to cover up and still be beachy if you’re not feeling bikini-ready quite yet.”

Bloat and black dress
2015 Givenchy Runway
bloat and off-the-shoulder dress
2015 Zara Online Catalog


“An open shoulder is a perfect way to wear a loose fitting dress or top that hides the parts you want to be hidden, but also shows some skin in a sexy
way.”

bloat and denim dress
2015 Chloe Runway
bloat and denim copy
2015 Zara Online Catalog

“Denim is really on trend right now and even better, it is light enough for summer and also forgiving enough to hide any areas that you don’t want exposed.”

bloat and chloe runway
2015 Chloe Runway
bloat and oversize dress
2015 Zara Online Catalog


“This oversized shape is the ultimate answer to hiding a bloated stomach-or anything at all for that matter.” 

bloat and wedding
2015 Zara Online Catalog
bloat and lace
2015 Chloe Runway

“Shift dresses are always in style and are always an easy shape to wear. They’re basically just a square, so everything underneath is sure to be concealed.”

bloat and overalls
2015 Zara Online Catalog
bloat and nina ricci resort
2015 Nina Ricci (Resort)

“Overalls came back around last year and are still going strong. Whether you ate something that didn’t agree with you or its that time of the month, overalls will surely hide it! These lace versions are a super fun update for summer.”

Categories: Bloat-Friendly Fashion Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Hipster Jeans Giving You Gas?

 

According to the Wall Street Journal’s article about “Tight Pants Syndrome,” if you are experiencing unexplainable stomach pain, heartburn, belching, yeast infections and/or numbness in your legs, you may want to consider retiring those way-too-tight jeans that are probably giving you a muffin top anyway. Ladies, you may also be paying the price for false advertising. Spanx and Yummy Tummy are just miserable, squeezing the crap out of your innards. Even pantyhose and tights give me gas. I find leggings to be less severe, giving me no problems. I’m loving the article in last month’s Elle magazine entitled “Hot Pants,” which tries to sell the wide-leg look that only this chick can pull off:

Proenza Schouler
Categories: Bloat-Friendly Fashion Tags: , , , , , , , ,