I had the honor of talking shit with one of my health and colonic mentors, Mike Perrine, on his EveryDayDetox podcast. Mike is the owner of Vitality NYC, where I work on the first Tuesday of every month. You can book me for a colonic in NYC on the Vitality NYC website. Hope you enjoy listening to our chat!
For the most part, colonics are nothing like anal sex. For one, colonics will consistently involve a sufficient amount of lubrication. Secondly, there is a medical grade speculum (not a giant penis) gently inserted into the rectum that will remain stationary and feel virtually invisible for the remainder of the procedure. Unlike anal sex, women actually derive pleasure from the cathartic release colonics provide. Except for some mild cramping, there is no stabbing pain during a colonic. There is no questioning of one’s sexuality during a colonic because colonics most definitely make you gay AF thanks to the release of endorphins.
However, anal sex and colonics do share few similarities. They will both make you feel like you’re taking the longest, hardest shit of your life. The session is best when the recipient is completely relaxed because anxiety does not help shit along. Waves of nausea and intense pressure is not uncommon. Additionally, shit can sometimes get a little messy, which is no cause for panic as both parties should be fully aware of what they signed up for.
I’m not discouraging anyone who is into anal from living their best life, but women technically cannot derive sexual pleasure from anal sex. Men’s prostate gland is stimulated during penetration, which causes arousal. Women, on the other hand, do not have a prostate gland, so scientifically speaking (not from experience), the sensation of anal sex is that of a constipating monster turd jammed up in the rectum where no release is ever experienced. This shit sounds like zero fun. Also, we have transverse folds in the rectum called the “valves of Houston” that keep us from shitting ourselves. They can weaken with age, so why wear them down unnecessarily?
So while I don’t necessarily recommend anal sex for those sporting a vagina, I am totally anal when it comes to cleaning my shit. My latest obsession is my Bissell Powerfresh Steam Mop that I cannot fathom living without. I used to get on my hands and knees with a brush, distilled white vinegar and a shitload of paper towels to hand-mop and dry my floors. Now, it takes less than ten minutes to sanitize my entire studio using only steam from distilled water – no paper, chemicals or vinegar smell! The steamer will also come in handy when you need to clean your floors after aforementioned sex act.
My last blog post brings me to an important point. If you are taking a dump at your boyfriend’s for the first time, make sure there is enough water in the back tank simply by making sure that the black floaty balloon thing is in fact, floating. If not, figure out a way to transport water from the sink to the tank until it does float. Also, make sure the water is not running as in there is no faint flushing sound echoing from the toilet or any swirling water in the bowl. Otherwise, you may have to cope with leaving a floater for your boyfriend to discover, which may or may not bring you closer.
Be proactive. On the first day you are invited to your boyfriend’s home, you should be thinking about backup toilet options way before you envision yourselves getting married and living happily ever after. Map out all of the bathrooms in the home, or if you live in NYC, map out all of the adjacent department stores, easily accessible restaurant bathrooms, hotel lobbies, etc. There is always a legitimate excuse to momentarily leave someone’s home in NYC. “I don’t get good reception here; My friend is having a meltdown, I need to speak with her in private, etc.” But if you find yourself in your boyfriend’s multi-bathroom pad, throw the toilet paper under the sink and tell him there is no toilet paper while you quickly sneak into a different bathroom before he catches on.
Today was a “water day” and not because it’s raining outside, but because the water at the Doody Free Girl headquarters was shut off due to maintenance, and therefore, all colonic appointments had to be cancelled. So I got to stay home and ponder ways in which you can express yourself and start talking crap with your loved ones. Here are some segues into one of life’s most important conversations.
The best way to express yourself is right at the moment when nature calls. If it’s a boyfriend, it should be a gentle “I need to use the bathroom. Please don’t wait for me, I’ll be a while” or “I gotta go, if you know what I’m saying” or “I need to take care of business” or for the more brazen, “Excuse me, but I really have to drop a deuce.” This should go over well as long as you don’t adopt a trucker’s mouth. Keep it ladylike and never apologize. It’s okay if he initially says “eeew” or “groooossss.” Just giggle as you skip to the loo. Hopefully, he asks you how you’re feeling after you relieve yourself to which you respond, “Soooo much better. Thank you for waiting.” Then end the conversation with a huge smile and sigh of relief. This will make him feel like he’s contributed, while opening the door for further communication later on. You’ll be on the fast track to covering for each other as you bomb the bathroom of your favorite brunch spot.
Sharing bowel issues with females should be an easier task and involve much less anxiety. You can always win a girl over with one word: constipation. Girls love talking about constipation. I remember being so constipated after a flight to a women’s surf camp in Mexico that the only thing I could concentrate on in this paradise was getting the hard rocks out of my rear. I immediately broke the ice with another girl at this camp by discussing my utter frustration with travel constipation. She immediately took me to the local pharmacy to purchase an enema. I wasn’t ready to start sticking things up my bottom on vacation, but I was very much impressed with this chick’s knowledge of constipation remedies and overall acceptance of poop talk. And above all, she waited for me and encouraged me to take my time as I rocked back and forth on the toilet giving birth to a pile of rocks. She may live in London now, but this type of special bond can transcend the Atlantic.
So don’t be scared to talk about going #2. It unites and it feels damn good.
A special bond forms when talking crap with my clients. I stick tubes up their rears and diarrhea of the mouth ensues. I always joke that I have really gotten to know NYC through the rear, but it’s the truth. Colonics are not exclusively an activity of the rich and famous nor the crunchy new age-y spiritual cleansers either. Both of which, by the way, are equally as fun. All walks of life drop their pants for me: Wall Street suits, housewives, a Buddhist monk, cancer patients, a Native American Shaman, a gay porn star, a Sheriff, college students, a constipated grandmother, models, a vegan MMA fighter, etc etc. No one has a problem sharing some heavy secrets with me. Trust happens when people feel like they are being taken care of, especially while their bowels are being addressed.
So keep this in mind the next time you are vacationing with some new friends or a new-ish boyfriend. If you are truly looking to connect on a deeper emotional and spiritual level, the fastest way is through the butt. My next post will address ways to ease into this conversation of utmost importance because if you haven’t had this conversation already, you don’t know crap about each other.
A client last week told me that a fart woke her up that morning. Better her than her boyfriend. Mastering the silent rip is an art.
Ladies, we all fart in our sleep. Sleep farts are a necessary evil that keep us from feeling like a bloated whale all day. While your midnight farts sound off, rest assured that they probably do not smell. So if you have a new sleep buddy, just make sure you don’t go commando after that kiss goodnight. A snug thong and pajama pants should mask the sound or a pillow between the legs if you find that comfortable. Sleep on your side or your back. Pop some chlorophyll pills before dinner if you’re paranoid of any putrid odor expulsion.
Conclusion: never ever hold in your farts unless you’re entering an elevator.
Girls and boys, a proper bathroom should be outfitted with common emergency materials. The following advice is derived from actual events.
1. Keep a plunger directly next to your toilet, not in your laundry room, janitor’s closet etc. Why? Because your girlfriend just may take a massive dump and clog your toilet. Trust me, she will never admit to taking a McDump in your toilet nor will she ask you for a plunger.
2. Always have paper towels or fancy hand napkins available in addition to hand towels. Why? Because when your girlfriend decides to attempt plunging her first toilet at your place, you better believe muddy water is going to splash all over the floor. I’m pretty sure you don’t appreciate soiled bathroom towels discreetly placed back on the towel rack.
3. Always keep multi-purpose cleaning spray under the bathroom sink. Why? Because any lady or gentleman, when provided paper towels and cleaning product, will clean up after themselves. This is not limited to #2 emergencies, but also includes manly pee stream splits where only one stream actually lands in the toilet.
Yeah you do and so does your boyfriend. Unless you guys think it’s cute to look like you’re expecting, I assure you there are no benefits to holding in your gas.
There is nothing more despicable than a poorly executed fart. I’m not into Dutch Ovens or any sort of loud, smelly varieties. I’m a lady, for God’s sake. In fact, it is advisable to let out small, quiet gulps of air, as if you were slowly releasing the air from your bicycle tires. This can be done silently and odorlessly if you carry a book of matches from your favorite restaurant. If you and your “boyfriend” haven’t quite arrived yet, do him a favor and just leave the room or go to the bathroom for a minute to relieve yourself. He will be grateful.