Fashion for your Bloated Ass

My best friend and fashion idol is one of the head buyers at Bergdorf Goodman, what I believe is the highest grossing department store in Manhattan because everything they sell is expensive as shit. My friend is rather private and OCD (I should know, we were college roommates), so let’s just call her Anal. Anal has had the best style since I’ve known her, so it’s only natural that I consistently look to her for fashion advice. She travels to Paris every month to choose the trends of the season. Luckily, big ass baggy tie-dye tshirts are currently in style (not sure that they ever weren’t). Here’s some Anal fashion advice on how to look good even when you feel like shit:

 

If you’re stomach isn’t feeling 100% flat and you would prefer to hide it until you feel better then below are a few forgiving looks to try from the spring runway.

A midi skirt and an oversized sweater hide just about everything while still looking chic. Below are a few Dior looks from Resort and Spring:

bloat wear

 

bloat fashion

An oversized jacket masks everything going on underneath. They are also perfect for the spring weather that is hopefully on the horizon. Below are a few looks from Chanel and Dior:

bloat fashion

bloat fashion

A wide leg pant with a loose waist is not only super comfortable but you will definitely feel small under all that fabric even if it’s not your skinniest day. Below is a favorite from Brandon Maxwell:

Bloat Fashion

Tye dye is a huge trend for Spring and tee shirts are the easiest way to pick up the trend. A simple tee paired back to a cargo pant or short will cover your stomach and still look cute. Below are a few examples from Stella McCartney:

Bloat Fashion

 

Bloat fashion

Pajama dressing has been around for a bit now but it’s still relevant and also the epitome of ease and comfort. Below are a few examples from FRS:

Bloat fashion

Just because you have a black tie event to go to doesn’t mean you have to be uncomfortable, even if you’re feeling bloated. The below looks from Chanel and Brandon Maxwell cover your stomach and still allow you to eat and drink all night long:

Bloat Fashion

Bloat Fashion

 

If all else fails, try a voluminous mini dress. This shape is cute and effortless in the summer and you will feel great regardless of what is going on inside. Below are a couple looks from Valentino and Zimmerman:

Bloat Fashion
Categories: Bloat-Friendly Fashion, Idols, Life Hacks

Grow Your Shit.

Other than my intestines, I admittedly don’t know where all of my shit comes from. I try to be mindful of what I eat most of the time (no animal products, organic when possible, minimal processed foods, etc etc), but how the fuck does lettuce grow?

With the way of the world and our food system, our health is literally in our hands. I’m tired of complaining about how shitty we treat our animals, how much pesticide is in our produce, how every “natural” product we purchase is wrapped in plastic, how GMOs are an abusive scandal, and how this country is controlled by Big Pharma and the meat & dairy industries. Don’t get me wrong, I always enjoy talking shit, but the bottom line is the only way to guarantee clean food is to grow and make it ourselves.

Our culture has grown so distant from food production that unless you’re a factory farm “slave” worker (I don’t reasonably believe anyone wants to kill animals for a living) or an agricultural “slave” farmer (more on that in the expose documentary, Food Chains), we practically have no idea how to feed ourselves from scratch. So I decided to try growing my own shit for the first time this summer and I am excited to share that it is much easier to grow lettuce than you may think (or not have thought about at all!).

I have both an outdoor garden plot in the Brunswick Garden right across the street from the Brunswick Center and an aeroponic Tower Garden in the Doody Free Girl studio. Growing veggies outdoors involves more effort and way more patience than growing indoors. You first need to check the soil for any heavy metal contamination, take time to water your garden, check for potential pests and respond accordingly, and weed…often. Furthermore, outdoor veggies grow at a snail’s pace without Miracle Grow. So far, I’ve harvested a shitload of breakfast radishes, which are the only veggies that seem to grow quickly and easily (for me anyway). I’m still waiting on my carrots, which are currently as thin and disappointing as a pencil thin bowel movement.

I highly recommend an indoor aeroponic Tower Garden, which ensures you know that your plant food is receiving filtered water, optimal nutrients and NO pesticides. I do not, however, recommend it for those in a studio apartment because the LED grow lights must be on for 14 hours each day and they’re bright as hell. But if you can deal with the light, you can grow lettuce (and herbs, tomatoes, cucumbers, kale etc etc) all year long. It took me just under two months from receiving my order to harvest lettuce that replenishes itself overnight. I purchased everything online from TowerGarden.com, which has endless tutorial videos to accompany your order. Make sure to also purchase the LED Indoor Grow Lights and the Tower Garden Dolly from the site.

If this Tower Garden endeavor isn’t that appealing to you or your pets, you can start with a countertop Aerogarden, which grows just as well. Just grow something! I swear you will feel like a fucking magician! I still can’t believe this actually worked out for me…

Tower Garden aeroponic lettuce

Categories: Life Hacks, Vegan Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Charcoal for Your Ass and Teeth!

Activated charcoal seems to be all the rage this year. Being in the ass business, I’ve learned from Tom DeVito that activated charcoal should be recommended for food poisoning and from Mike Perrine that it can used for heavy metal detox as well. I have also learned from a client that it can help with excessive gas, but if too much is taken, you may find yourself tweezing dehydrated black turds out of your anus with your fingers.

So given the above information, I find it not only interesting, but counter-intuitive that charcoal is now being used as an ingredient in ice creams, bagels, tea, waffles, pizza, juices and lattes. Just because it’s instagram-worthy, doesn’t mean you should ingest it. Activated charcoal is so strong, it is also used by doctors for drug overdoses. The charcoal actually binds to everything in your system, which sounds like an effective insta-detox, but this means you are also detoxing vitamins, minerals and medications from your system as well. It’s been shown to minimize the effectiveness of medications and even birth control!

charcoal ice cream

So while I’m not buying into this fad, I must admit I use charcoal everyday. The one product I am not mad at is activated charcoal toothpaste! You’ve probably seen the Instagram ads for charcoal tooth powder, which I find a bit messy, so I am excited to have discovered the toothpaste. It comes in three flavors (I love the cinnamon clove). I started using this toothpaste very recently on recommendation from a hygienist I visited at Modern Family Dentistry. I explored some natural whitening options with her because I was fed up with all of my tea stains and the ineffectiveness of soft bristle toothbrushes (recommended for those like me who have receding gum lines). The hygienist was not in favor of commercial whitening toothpastes or even baking soda because she believes they are too abrasive. She actually suggested oil pulling and charcoal (although she admitted she needed to research the abrasiveness of charcoal a little more). I have been oil pulling for a while now, but I do not always have 20 spare minutes every morning. I swear this toothpaste turns your teeth from black to white AF in just one use! This speaks to the power of charcoal and how it really should only be used in modern day emergencies like tea-stained teeth. Make sure to rinse well and scrape your black tongue 😉

My-Magic-Mud-Whitening-Toothpaste-with-Activated-Charcoal-Cinnamon-Clove-868656000139

 

Categories: Digestive Issues, Life Hacks Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Jaundice?

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I began liver cleansing almost two years ago to get rid of some wrinkles, dark under eye circles and severe menstrual cramps. I’ve seen improvement in all areas. However, I was also hoping the whites of my eyes would clear up. I had started noticing some yellowing around the inner corners that was bothering the shit out of me. Yellowing of the skin and eyes is associated with jaundice, a condition where bile buildup in the blood resulting from a clogged liver actually stains the skin and eyes. I didn’t understand why my liver still seemed fucked after all this cleansing.

Fate would have it that a visit to the eye doctor of all doctors solved this mystery for me. I went for a routine check up and the Doc basically clarified that I’m a dirtbag. Dirty contacts were the culprit causing a build up of dirt in my eyes, staining my eyes yellow. I wasn’t really following, but he said something to this effect: dirty contacts were forcing my eyes to create a buildup of white blood cells as an inflammatory response to the foreign substance, and that layer of cells (just like skin) gets suntanned.  Left unaddressed, it could get so bad that it turn black over time especially because these cells are raised higher than the rest of my eyeball cells and thus, more exposed to the sun (like your nose). He said I just need to diligently change my contacts every two weeks and wear my glasses at least once a week and this should all clear up in about a year and half.

My eyes are already looking clearer after a few months of being a little less of a dirtbag. In any case, I plan on doing another liver cleanse in early November. Who’s with me??

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Categories: Life Hacks, Liver and Gallbladder Cleanse Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Mustaches are for Men

I’m proud to say my clients learn all sorts of shit from me. I will do my best to teach you the things that could make your life better. You want to know where the best health markets in NYC and Jersey City are? You want to know where to get the best facials? You want to know how to lose weight sustainably? I’m your girl.

So it’s no surprise, that I will also teach you how to affordably and safely rip out your peach fuzz mustache, should this be one of your goals in life. I’ve been getting my stache waxed, plucked or threaded since middle school shortly after I was first teased about it. Being more of a DIYer, going to the salon is a major drag even for only a few minutes. In fact, before discovering laser hair removal, I’d spent many hours in the bathroom waxing my own vagina and mutilating myself trying to extract the ingrown hairs (0% fun).  If you’re an existing client or subscribe to my weekly newsletters, you already know about my love for laser hair removal. Now, it is my duty to share with you a more recent discovery that will allow you to “thread” your own mustache without ripping off your skin: the REM Spring.

 

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Oil Pulling Away Your Cavities??

One of my clients swears that just a year ago, her dentist thought she was “the most disgusting creature” due to her slacking in the oral hygiene department, maybe brushing once a day and flossing every few days. I have to admit, I can completely relate to said client.

Unless you’re constantly shoving processed, sugary or acidic foods into your mouth (which can alter your body’s PH, lowering your immunity and deteriorate your teeth) I feel the same way about brushing your teeth as I do about washing your face: you don’t need to do it as often as marketers would like you to believe. The saliva in your mouth, just like the sebum on your skin, is designed to protect your body from microbial invasion. According to the Mayo Clinic, it washes away food particles and neutralizes acids produced by bacteria in your mouth. However, certain medications can hamper saliva production, requiring diligent oral care.

I encourage you to consider effective, natural alternatives that have been proven to reduce oral deterioration when you’re tired of being told what to do. I’ve shared the joys of oil cleansing (or pulling) for both your teeth and your face. I go through extended periods of time not oil pulling my teeth out of sheer laziness, but as soon as I start to feel like a complete dirtbag, I’ll swish coconut oil in my mouth as soon as I wake up for at least ten minutes, followed by tongue scraping, a warm water rinse and then a quick brush with either plain water or some toothpaste. I try to brush and floss my teeth every night, but if I’m falling asleep on the couch to The Real Housewives, ain’t nobody got time for that shit.

The client who inspired this post came into the Doody Free shop the other day singing the praises of oil cleansing. Her first visit to the dentist last year after a significant absence resulted in four cavities. She refused to accept this diagnosis, and began oil pulling for a few months before getting a second opinion. The second dentist assured her that her teeth were perfect and so was her home oral care. Boom.

Brush less. Watch more TV.

 

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Categories: Life Hacks, Skin Tags: , , , , , , , ,

A Non-Smelly Period!

One of my favorite clients introduced me to a low-maintenance, eco-friendly way to manage my period sans tampons or pads. It’s called a Diva Cup and is exactly as it sounds. It is basically a 2 ounce food-grade silicone cup that you fold up and insert into your vagina. Once in, it unfolds and collects your blood. You can keep it in there for up to 12 hours and then rinse it off with the Diva Cup cleanser or boil it in hot water for 8 minutes. It should be replaced upon your discretion, depending how often you use it. Diva Cup suggests it be replaced every year, but Mooncup (a competitor) claims it lasts for years and years as long as the shape remains in tact and the material is not compromised (check for stickiness).

I bought my Diva Cup about six months ago at Whole Foods, but only got around to using it the few times that I would normally wear a tampon. I am more of a maxi-pad kind of girl because the thought of an absorbent tampon sitting in my vagina grosses me out. I’d rather have everything naturally flow down and then just sit in my gnarly pad. There are really no good options here.

But the Diva Cup is certainly revolutionizing the whole menstruation experience. Once inserted, the cup creates a bit of a suction, blocking any leakage or stank, and thus, any dogs in heat from sticking their heads in your crotch. On a heavy day, a tiny bit of fluid may sneak past, so wear a mini-pad just in case. The first few times I used it, I felt like a pubescent girl using a tampon for the first time. Removing it was tricky and quite painful, but I have gotten used to the process and look forward to observing my blood flow and its consistency. It’s no wonder that women in ancient times thought they were bleeding out!

I was worried about the repercussion of peeing and shitting while wearing the Diva Cup. At least tampons are cheap and somewhat flushable, but if my Diva Cup went flying into the toilet bowl during a forceful evacuation, especially in a public restroom, I would not be happy about fishing out the $40 cup. I am pleased to announce you can pee and shit full throttle while wearing a Diva Cup without consequence.

Cheers!

 

period Diva Cup and colonics

 

 

Categories: Life Hacks, Period Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Ringworm is Dead!

So it turns out I just had an eczema rash on my arm coincidentally where my ringworm was years ago. I had started using Athlete’s Foot cream on my rash because Athlete’s Foot, Ringworm and Groin Itch are all the same shit.

Eczema is undoubtedly an internal issue and while the rash was brought on by my first liver cleanse, it gradually disappeared after my second liver cleanse. The Athlete’s Foot cream helped initially, but the rash became so dry and scaly, that it started itching again. And eventually, the red bumps worsened. The Urgent Care I visited two years ago gave me an anti-bacterial ointment for the ringworm that alleviated the itch while preventing any dryness. After a little brainstorming on what natural remedies I could use that have anti-bacterial properties along with a gel-like texture, I suddenly remembered the miracle of Manuka Honey!!

Manuka Honey is the honey you constantly overlook in the health food market because it’s ridiculously expensive. But there’s a good reason for that! Manuka Honey comes from the same tree in New Zealand as Tea Tree oil, which is widely used as an anti-fungal treatment for people and pets alike. Tea tree oil is very potent, which can be detected by its medicinal odor. I was applying tea tree oil to my rash when it first appeared, but it only further irritated it, even after diluting the tea tree oil in some coconut oil. So I spread a thin layer of Manuka Honey over the rash, covered it with a paper towel so that it did not stick to my clothing and secured it with a few hair ties. I left it on overnight for about five days and the rash just disappeared. Even all of the little scabs that developed over the rash fell right off!

So here’s what you need to know when buying Manuka Honey for medicinal purposes. You want to make sure the UMF (Unique Manuka Factor), which is also labeled as “Active” is a minimum of 10. The higher the better because the higher the UMF concentration, the higher the antibiotic effect. I love the brand Wedderspoon because they actually sell individual packets of Manuka Honey Active 16+. The individual packets easily crack open (sans mess) and you can just eat them on the train when you feel like you’re getting sick! I used the packets to quickly spread the honey on my arm without using any utensils. There are many more uses for Manuka Honey, so make sure to keep it in your medicine cabinet!

Ringworm remedy

Categories: Digestive Issues, Life Hacks, Liver and Gallbladder Cleanse Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Sleepover Kit.

Oil pulling really came in handy this morning! I spontaneously slept over my brother’s place last night, unprepared with no sleepover kit, which usually just means a toothbrush and my makeup bag. I really hate going to sleep without flossing, brushing my teeth, scraping my tongue and taking my eye makeup off with coconut oil (in that order). I had to skip my bedtime ritual last night, but upon waking this morning, I immediately searched his kitchen for oil. My brother is not the type to have coconut oil and goji berries lying around in his cupboard, so I stopped my search once I found his olive oil! I think it’s safe to assume most households have some sort of cooking oil in the kitchen cabinet, so if you ever find yourself in a pinch for a toothbrush, just ask your host for some olive oil, sesame oil, etc.

If you don’t feel like explaining yourself as to why you will be mute for twenty minutes, just oil pull for five minutes. It isn’t necessary to brush your teeth after oil pulling, but make sure you rinse your mouth with warm water. Then scrape your tongue with a spoon. Voila!

 

Categories: Life Hacks Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Oil Pulling

I’ll try new things, but you first. My clients are constantly introducing me to really cool, “traditional” ways of healing and cleansing, a lot of which just sounds straight up CRAY (that felt appropriate). My interest is only ever peaked when I see results in them first. So this leads me to oil pulling…

A client of mine told me about oil pulling about a year ago. It involves swishing coconut oil in your mouth for 20-30 minutes every morning before brushing your teeth or even drinking anything, then spitting it out along with all the disease causing germs in your mouth and possibly even some cavities. This sounded interesting to me in theory, but nothing I really could believe or would ever test on myself especially since this particular client had only read about it, not tried it herself.

Then recently, a new client of mine told me she’s been oil pulling for about six months to heal a chronic toothache. Her dentist was floored at how healthy her teeth and gums looked because he was expecting to give her a filling, which she ended up not needing. I was floored myself. Her teeth are bright white and her gums are a very healthy pink. Also, oil pulling is mentioned in the liver and gallbladder cleanse maintenance program, so it’s obviously knocking on my door. Right?

I started oil pulling the very next morning and have been oil pulling every single morning for about a month now. I opt for the 20 minute version of oil pulling despite Andreas Moritz’s recommendation of oil pulling for no longer than a few minutes at a time so as not to reabsorb any toxins. He suggests oil pulIing for just a few minutes at a time for up to 10-15 minutes. His method is too involved for me. The second I get up, I reach for the coconut oil and swish a tablespoon full in my mouth while I’m showering and getting ready in the morning. After 20 minutes, I spit the coconut oil into a paper towel (never the sink, it will clog the pipes), rinse my mouth with warm water, brush my teeth and scrape my tongue with a tongue scraper. Voila!

teeth oil pulling

Categories: Life Hacks, Liver and Gallbladder Cleanse Tags: , , , , , , , ,