Butt Implants

The colon is responsible for absorbing liquid from the waste it is processing, essentially baking your shit into a solid Yule log. So by that very same token, your colon readily absorbs some of the water that is used to flush the colon during a colonic. And using that logic, I’ve decided to start administering wheatgrass, chlorophyll, probiotic and aloe implants to nourish your ass during treatment.

Since the colon is relatively alkaline especially when compared to the acidity of the stomach, it can potentially absorb nutrients more readily. This is why the famous Hippocrates Center in Florida touts the benefits of wheatgrass implants for the instant replenishment of electrolytes, minerals, amino acids and chlorophyll when working with chronically ill patients. I like to add extra chlorophyll to the implants because chlorophyll is known to heal the gut, detoxify the body of residual medication, deodorize the body from the inside out, oxygenate and build blood. It also helps “arrest the growth and development of unfriendly bacteria,” which contributes to the maintenance of a more desirable gut environment that colonics help achieve. So at the end of the colonic, it makes perfect sense to strengthen the gut environment with an injection of Metagenics Ultraflora Balance probiotics. Lastly, I implant a little bit of aloe, which is proven to heal the gut lining and lubricate/calm the bowels.

Aside from immediate absorption, an added bonus of the implants is that you don’t have to taste anything that goes up your ass! We all know wheatgrass, chlorophyll and aloe taste like shit, so best to just stick them right up the shitter! However, a common implant that I believe is best consumed orally is coffee. I get calls all the time asking if I employ coffee enemas and the answer is no because I find them to be too acidic and stimulating from the instant absorption of caffeine. This is why “butt chugging” alcohol was such a trend in colleges just a few years ago. While I believe coffee enemas have their place in rehab centers and holistic cancer therapies due to their liver detoxing abilities, I believe they are little aggressive for regular use.

coffee enema implants
Categories: Colonics, Smells

Great Minds Shit Alike.

I had the honor of talking shit with one of my health and colonic mentors, Mike Perrine, on his EveryDayDetox podcast. Mike is the owner of Vitality NYC, where I work on the first Tuesday of every month. You can book me for a colonic in NYC on the Vitality NYC website. Hope you enjoy listening to our chat!

 

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Boy Advice, Colonics, Idols, Podcast, Smells, Vegan Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Back To Basics

I’m a sucker for scents…I’m always diffusing lemongrass essential oil at the studio and patchouli EO at home. I spray Poopourri in the toilet before I shit. I burn Palo Santo after my cat shits. I want to smell every natural perfume available to woman. I love discovering new scents to inject into my coconut candles. Equally, I love that historic lucidity only a nostalgic scent can offer.

Scents even have the power to make me wear deodorant, for God’s sake. I wear Para Botanica probiotic deodorant just so I can inhale it (grapefruit + geranium is my fave). I’d fucking bathe in it if I could. The odor industry has me struggling with low grade Stockholm Syndrome because while gladly held captive, I am constantly falling in love with products that cause an adverse reaction.

It’s extremely disheartening when I discover a divinely-scented hydrosol or lotion to douse my body in only to get a fucking rash. Lately, my skin has been very sensitive to some natural products, specifically to the essential oils that make them worth a shit. My forearms and shins are the first to get itchy, which I’ve learned not to ignore because the itchiness generally turns into a few small bumps, which can quickly become a rash if unaddressed. It’s easy to underestimate the potency of natural ingredients.

For that very reason, I often forget about the cleanest and most effective skin products in my toolbox: African black soap and raw African shea butter. For me, these are the classics (and the cheapest!). When I feel a rash breaking out from some new fancy product I’m trying not to fall in love with, I’ll stick exclusively to African black soap and the rash will heal. Despite being made from mostly shea butter, African black soap can be very drying, so if you’re using it on your face, you’ll want to chase it with some raw shea butter. However, when I have a rash on my body, I appreciate the drying/cooling effect of the soap. I encourage you to look up the countless benefits of African black soap and purchase the soap and shea butter in unadulterated form (no scents added).

 

soap with no scents

Categories: Skin, Smells

Put Your Best Shit Forward

I have a confession: I’m a hypocrite. One of my pet peeves is everyone’s portrayal of perfection on social media, yet I only put my best shit forward as well. You’ve seen my cat, Micro, peeing and pooping like a champ day in and day out on my Instagram Story. She effortlessly hops up on my squatty potty and circles the rim of the toilet seat until she finds a comfortable seat on the edge to squat down and handle her business.

Here’s the shit you don’t see…

social media bloopers

 

Micro was actually consistently going to the toilet until she was spayed just a few weeks ago. Forced to wear the “Cone of Shame,” she had no peripheral vision, so the toilet was out of the question. For the week, I returned the litter box, which confused her a bit. She would pee and poo in it most of the time. That week was actually the first time I ever worried about her peeing everywhere: she tagged her scratchpads, bed, toy and the floor. Now I can recognize the smell of cat pee – it’s fucking disgusting. But guess what gets rid of it? You guessed it…distilled white vinegar.

So we’re back to square one. I opened up a brand new CitiKitty and filled it up with litter for Potty Training 101. Micro is back to peeing and pooping on the toilet, with just a few shit streaks here and there. I’m cool with that…cat pee not so much.

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I felt obligated to write this post for obvious reasons and because I don’t want anyone trying to train their kitty to use the toilet to get discouraged. Think about all the resources (money, GMO corn, bentonite clay, trees) you’ll be saving and above all, litter contains known carcinogens and for the most part is non-biodegradable! Micro didn’t learn to mostly pee and poo in the toilet overnight. It takes a lot of patience, encouragement, and reinforcement with treats, but no more time than it would take to scoop shit out of the litter everyday and then sweep up litter dust from your floors everyday (fuck that).

On a more serious note, I recently listened to Simon Sinek’s enlightening talk about Millennials in the Workplace and how they are a remarkably depressed and insecure generation, which can be directly blamed on social media. I’m forever thankful to only have been exposed to AIM (AOL instant messenger) in college for which to stalk crushes and girls who were cramping my style. I remember only having a literal Facebook and an Internet search engine (googling wasn’t a verb then) to investigate strangers. There were hardly any visuals, but thanks be to Peoplefinder.com, I was able to figure out astrological compatibility!! I resisted Friendster, which was only to be replaced by Facebook towards the end of my senior year of college in 2004. I didn’t quite grasp its relevance nor would I have never predicted the scope in which its broadened communication, encouraged new social networks like Instagram, or revolutionized targeted marketing. Not only are Millennials subject to the perfection pressure from peers, but they are subject to false advertising by asshole corporations.

So what I’m trying to say is, I apologize if my social media makes my bathroom life look perfect. It is anything butt…

 

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Citi Kitty, Smells Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Because Your Home Shouldn’t Smell Like Sh*t!

I keep promising everyone a blog post on how to keep your home smelling as sweet as the Doody Free shop. My secret weapon is this nebulizing essential oil diffuser and of course, essential oils. As you may know, I like to diffuse lemongrass. The nebulizing diffuser is definitely superior to humidifying diffusers. I use both, but the nebulizing diffuser extracts the oil straight from the bottle, creating a richer, more potent scent that really fills the room, especially larger rooms. You can adjust the timer as you please. I like to have it diffuse the essential oil for five or ten minutes straight every twenty minutes. Beware that it is loud AF. I guess that is the major complaint with this diffuser, but I find it to be nothing more more annoying than white noise, an excellent substitute for the smell of shit.

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Categories: Smells Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Limited Edition Odor-Eliminating candles!

Please stop by my favorite cat-man’s photography exhibit, The Thousands, tonight at my favorite tea shop, Tea NJ, on Newark Avenue in downtown Jersey City. The first 60 guests will receive my limited edition cat odor-eliminating candles.

And speaking of favorites, my favorite new shop in town, Love Liesel, will be having their ribbon cutting with our fabulous mayor at 4pm. Love Liesel will be fully stocked with alcohol and my odor-eliminating soy bathroom candles. Cheers!

 

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Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Current Local Events, Smells Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

The Importance of a Sexy Scent.

My eyesight and my hearing may be shit, but my heightened sense of smell is that of a weed-sniffing canine. Things can get a little stinky in my line of work, so you can bet your ass the Doody Free Girl shop is equipped with top-of-the-line therapeutic essential oil diffusers that actually sanitize and humidify the air while emitting a pleasant lemongrass aroma.

Clients are always asking me what smells so good in the Doody Free shop. A few of my favorite oils for diffusing are White Fir and Lavender, but my absolute go-to for a sweet, crisp smell is lemongrass. I cannot get enough of this clean scent, so it is always being diffused in the shop! I actually ordered it just out of curiosity because I’d been testing all of the available scents to see which one I really took to. Honestly, I don’t care which oil is going to bring me peace and harmony if it smells like shit (you’ll find all kinds of New Age-y promises in essential oil land). I will only diffuse smells that make me want to take my clothes off. I don’t even know what that means, but it’s a good thing! Anyhow, lemongrass has that effect on me. So I did a little research on the benefits of lemongrass and I was pleasantly surprised to find out how appropriately compatible lemongrass and colonics are!

Lemongrass is widely used for its anti-fungal, anti-microbial, and anti-bacterial properties. Apparently, it’s good for hoarders too. I guess it helps you let go, which is important during a colonic! It is also a good sedative (also important for a colonic). Lemongrass can also be diffused to kill airborne bacteria and air pollution. A client even told me it’s good for nausea, which some people do experience during a treatment.

Aside from all of the health benefits, I think everyone can agree that a good smell will just put you in a good mood. Don’t worry about spending too much on essential oils. Bulk Apothecary offers great deals on therapeutic essential oils, including lemongrass. I prefer the organic variety, although they also sell conventional lemongrass for a bit cheaper.

Resources: Sustainable Baby Steps

 

 

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Smells Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Because Sleep Farts Happen.

A client last week told me that a fart woke her up that morning. Better her than her boyfriend. Mastering the silent rip is an art.

Ladies, we all fart in our sleep. Sleep farts are a necessary evil that keep us from feeling like a bloated whale all day. While your midnight farts sound off, rest assured that they probably do not smell. So if you have a new sleep buddy, just make sure you don’t go commando after that kiss goodnight. A snug thong and pajama pants should mask the sound or a pillow between the legs if you find that comfortable. Sleep on your side or your back. Pop some chlorophyll pills before dinner if you’re paranoid of any putrid odor expulsion. 

Conclusion: never ever hold in your farts unless you’re entering an elevator.

 

Categories: Boy Advice, Smells Tags: , , , , , , , ,