The Braxton Shits

With my 11/29 due date approaching, I was convinced that I was in labor Saturday morning. I woke up around 4am with fleeting abdominal cramps, so I started timing my contractions, which were about 30 minutes apart. From all of my research and confirmation from my doula, I understand that there’s no need to rush to the hospital until it becomes difficult to hold a conversation. I was still able to complain very vocally to my partner until the break of dawn, so the only place I kept rushing to was the toilet.

Although my doula told me diarrhea leading up to labor is the body’s mechanism for clearing the body for delivery, I’m pretty sure my regular bouts of diarrhea Saturday morning were more due to my Friday discovery and consumption of frozen Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Kind bars from BJs Wholesale. These delicious 180 calorie bars probably net 20 calories by the time all of the chicory root fiber, tapioca syrup, peanuts, and almond milk goodness coursed through my cramped digestive tract at record speed. So if you’re going to eat crap, at least eat the kind that craps out quickly, right?!

maternity leave / pregnancy

Thanks to these Kind colonic bars, I am now officially scared shitless for what will transpire in the next week or two. I’ve read and been told (by an optimistic few) that labor feels like taking a huge shit, so it can’t be that bad, right? In any case, I’m still pregnant for those wondering and although maternity leave officially started last week, I am always available to answer all of your shitty questions. Feel free to text or email me over the next few weeks/months and I will respond as soon as possible. And in the meantime, remember to stock up on toilet paper (BJs Wholesale is already limiting TP sales!) and keep taking your Metagenics Immune Booster probiotics, which promote nasal, sinus and respiratory function. Namaste.

Just What The Doctor Ordered…

Dr. Leo Galland shares a complete Corona Virus protocol on his website. Dr. Galland kindly spells out for us how the COVID-19 is actually a 2 phase illness, where 80% of people who contract the disease only suffer from mild symptoms during Phase 1 (fatigue, aches, pains, sore throat) for about five days (not needing medical care, just self-quarantine) and don’t advance to Phase 2 (viral pneumonia- cough & shortness of breath). Phase 2 occurs only a few days after the initial symptoms of Phase 1. Generally, those most vulnerable to Phase 2 are those who smoke, have high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes and are older.

Dr. Galland explains how COVID-19 pneumonia (viral) differs from influenza-related pneumonia (due to secondary bacterial infection) in that it cannot be treated with antibiotics. Basically, the virus attaches to a protein in the cell called ACE-2, diminishing its beneficial enzymatic activity in the lungs. It essentially wears the lungs down in what is coined “ACE-2 exhaustion.” What I find interesting is that once a patient has entered Phase 2, it is ill-advised to take any of the immune boosting supplements recommended to anyone proactively building their “innate immunity” because this can result in overactivity called a “cytokine storm,” which is responsible for much of the damage. This includes the Metagenics UltraFlora Immune Booster probiotics I mentioned in my last post that include the strain lactobacillus plantarum, which Dr. Galland recommends to strengthen innate immunity (before COVID-19 exposure and/or throughout Phase 1 of the illness).

So unless you have entered Phase 2 of COVID-19, it is very much recommended you do strengthen your immune system with proper sleep, moderate exercise, a plant-based diet with sufficient protein and the right supplements. Dr. Galland recommends an elderberry extract (produced by ultrafiltration, not alcohol extraction and contains standardized flavonoid/anthocyanin content), Vitamin D, Vitamin A, zinc, probiotics, and anti-viral mushrooms (turkey tail, maitake, shiitake and reishi). According to Dr. Galland, these mushrooms “stimulate anti-viral immunity.” Metagenics Mycotaki is a comprehensive mushroom supplement that supports cellular defense and healthy immune function (20% off thru my site always on all Metagenics supplements applied at checkout).

COVID Mushroom defense supplement

For those with compromised lung function due to aging, smoking, etc, Dr. Galland breaks down some supplement recommendations for ACE-2 enhancement (improved lung function/defense) on his website. One of the supplements he recommends is curcumin (found in turmeric) for ACE-2 enhancement, so I just ordered Metagenics Inflavonoid Intensive Care, a bioavailable curcumin (set of flavonoids found in turmeric)…because…what the hell, let’s throw the kitchen sink at this virus!

Inflavonoid COVID19 Corona Virus defense

Whatever precaution you decide to take this week, it is most important to stay the fuck home. The faster we stop spreading this disease (even just Phase 1), the faster we are let out of isolation and the faster businesses (like mine) can reopen! In the meantime, take advantage of the mandated quarantine to rest and reset. There are plenty of virtual workouts available (many are even free and require no equipment!) Flood your body with vital nutrients, supplements and H2O. Get some fresh air and natural vitamin D from the sun, but make sure to maintain a social distance of 6 feet. It’s just what the doctor ordered…

Veganism and Boobies

I’ve been in and out of veganism for the last ten years and recently re-committed about a year and a half ago for not only vanity and health motivations, but environmentalism and animal rights motivations. There is no question that eliminating meat and dairy (even grass-fed and “free-range”) from your diet results in a reduction of excess sodium, antibiotics, hormones, GMOs and mucus in your system. Additionally, the meat and dairy industry are the biggest players in land degradation, carbon emissions and animal cruelty in the history of mankind. However, this post is about another pressing issue: boobies.

I’ve always had small training bra-size boobs that I’ve always been comfortable with (I’m almost 36 years old, yet favor a training bra). When I stopped eating meat and dairy in my mid twenties, I stopped getting severe menstrual cramps and my boobs stayed consistently small even around my period. I not only stopped eating meat and dairy, but I had also given up cooked food all together because I became obsessed with the integrity of raw foods. This health obsession ironically became the unhealthiest period of my life. It took me about two years to realize that my diet was making me an anxious person, at which point, I adopted even unhealthier eating patterns in an effort to erase my anxious raw vegan identity. So over the last ten years, I went from being raw vegan to vegan to vegetarian to pescatarian to carnivore, then back to vegetarian and now vegan with a love (not obsession) for raw foods.  And through these phases, I can definitively say my boobs were most tender and grew to adult size during my carnivorous phase.

While this may encourage women to eat meat, sudden breast enlargement can signal estrogen dominance, which may cause breast cancer and man boobies. There are easy ways to reduce exposure to excess estrogen in our system. These include eating processed soy products, meat and dairy in moderation, eating organic, drinking filtered water (not in a plastic bottle), giving your nails a breather from nail polish, using truly natural body products and cosmetics and exploring natural methods of birth control. Most importantly, it is crucial to monitor our elimination because poor elimination increases the load on your liver, which is responsible for metabolizing estrogen out of our bodies. Unplug your rancid hormones with a colonic and consider a future liver cleanse.

potty training vegan pig with litter box
Pigs are the shit! Shout out to Billie, who potty trained himself!

Lead Poisoning

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In a past life, I was a realtor in Miami Beach. I totally sucked at it and felt completely unfulfilled as a result (or the cause?). It felt like my life was a series of annoying people and different lockbox sequences (insider tip: you can usually guess the code by trying different combinations of the current year and the address because…realtors). But I must admit I learned a few things of value in real estate school.

My real estate professor was the shit. I forget his name, but I will always remember his teachings because he was honest and funny as hell. He proudly declared at the beginning of the course that while dumb, he knows how to pass tests and had come to teach us thy ways. Basically, he spoke my language. A crash course in silly pneumonic devices proved successful in passing an exam and left me with some useless knowledge. For instance, the Statute of Frauds requires that certain contracts be memorialized in writing. He taught us to remember this by thinking of the word “frogs” instead of “frauds.” Frogs make the sound “ribbit, ribbit,” which he would sound as “write it, write it.” This pneumonic device is dumb as hell, but 12+ years later, I still remember this shit!

Another tip I learned involved lead poisoning. Houses built before 1978 were most likely painted with paint that contained toxic amounts of lead. Children are most susceptible to lead poisoning from paint because when they’re not smearing boogers everywhere, they’re sticking shit in their mouths. Eating lead paint chips or dirt infused with a high amount of lead can lead to a host of health issues such as learning disabilities, kidney damage, hearing damage, neurological damage, seizures and even death. Therefore, homebuyers must sign a waiver acknowledging the potential existence of lead with the option to have a lead inspection performed within ten days for an accurate cost analysis.

There are measures to prevent and remedy the existence of lead in your home if you have children. You can hire a certified lead abatement contractor to seal in the lead-based paint on your walls with a coat of nontoxic paint. This is probably the most cost-effective and healthy remedy. Alternatively, removing the paint can create a lot of toxic dust. If the soil around your home is contaminated, you may want to plant some grass over it to keep your child from eating the soil.

My real estate professor dismissed the severity of lead poisoning for those who do not have children. “Open the windows and air out every once in a while.” This is something you should do regardless of whether or not lead is present in your home. The insulation in your walls, wood finishings, cleaners, your furniture etc are full of all kinds of other toxins like acetone, carbon monoxide and formaldehyde. It is wise to open your windows upon waking every morning for at least ten minutes and to keep some air-filtering plants in the house. If you have a garden outside, you won’t need to worry too much about lead toxicity in your produce except for leafy greens.

There is also something you can do on the daily to assist in heavy metal detox. Chlorella has been proven to be an effective heavy metal binder. Not only is it an amazing detoxifier, but it is chock-full of minerals and chlorophyll, which is the ultimate blood cleanser. It is also an amazing source of protein, iron and zinc. I recommend taking this supplement everyday and getting a colonic monthly to assist in eliminating metals from the body. My favorite brand is Vega, a reputable vegan brand that is affordable and widely available in both health stores and online.

lead detox vegan chlorella

In conclusion, my real estate career wasn’t a complete waste of time after all…

Summer Smooth Move Smoothie

Green smoothies are my favorite breakfast or lunch and sometimes I have a smoothie for both breakfast and lunch! Having a green smoothie is a fast and easy way to make sure you are getting your greens, antioxidants, vitamins, fiber and a good shit. Depending on what you put in your smoothies, they are generally easy to digest. I suggest you quit playing yourself and get a Vitamix blender, which will literally take years off of your life. It can blend anything into a velvety smooth, easy-to-digest texture in a matter of minutes and it also cleans itself in less than a minute by blending soapy water at high speed. After years of convincing myself I didn’t need a Vitamix, I finally purchased a reconditioned Vitamix from William Sonoma, which comes with a 5 year warrantee and will probably last a lifetime. If you sign on to Williams Sonoma newsletter, you will get an extra 15% off and free shipping as well, so take advantage of our faltering retail economy. The newer models have a cool single-serve cup attachment, but based on the reviews and that they cost a million dollars, they seem to have more challenges than they’re worth. I recommend sticking to the older models. That said, below is my favorite dairy free green smoothie that you can quickly whip up every morning before work. You’ll feel healthy, hydrated, and light as a feather after your smooth, smoothie poo. Other welcomed side effects include satisfaction, more energy, heightened senses, less cravings, clear skin, sex appeal and magical powers. All ingredients can be purchased online thanks to FreshDirect and HealthForceSuperfoods.com. My secret smoothie ingredient is Anita’s Creamline Coconut Yogurt. Anita’s Creamline Coconut Yogurt is the only yogurt I recommend eating everyday. It contains only three ingredients: coconut, coconut water and cultures (no added sugars or bullshit). It is made in small batches in Brooklyn and now widely available via Fresh Direct. Health Alliance’s Vitamineral Green powder is one of the few (if not the only) green powder available with the utmost integrity. Bonus: this smoothie is delicious and satisfying in more ways than one 😉

Summer Smooth Move Smoothie (2 servings)

2 mangos (my favorite are fresh Mexcian Ataulfo mangos, but any frozen variety will do) 1 salad’s worth of spinach (or other green of your choice) 1/2 cup water 1/3 cup Anita’s Creamline Coconut Yogurt 1 scoop Glutagenics 1.5 Tablespoons Vitamineral Green 1 frozen banana (I like to keep peeled bananas cut into thirds in the freezer at all times)

Blend that shit. Enjoy! 

smoothie in Vitamix

Dried Up?

My mother has always justified her potato chip habit as a means of greasing her engines. Her mother would always tell her to eat oil to avoid feeling dry (must be some Chinese shit). Needless to say, I’ve grown up having no qualms about eating oil and love me some potato chips….new fave here.

So while potato chips may not be the greatest source of healthy fats, I cannot recommend eating fat enough. It is not only good for lubrication of the joints, but also of the intestines and our brain. Our culture is lacking in Omega 3s, which could significantly improve joint pain associated with rheumatoid arthritis, lower triglycerides (blood fat), lower inflammation (remarkably so with inflammatory bowel conditions) and also protect against Alzheimers and dementia. I got this info off of WebMd, which recommends supplementing with fish oils. However, with the advent of GMO salmon and farmed fish, it is becoming abundantly clear that we cannot blindly trust our food systems, not even those derived from the ocean. For more on this, please check out the one hour documentary Fillet Oh Fish on YouTube (but not while you’re eating!). Farmed fish exposure to pesticides and antibiotics is worse than our factory farmed animals and the fish industry is much less regulated. In fact, it is getting more and more difficult to discern which fish are truly wild and some companies are purposely mislabeling farmed fish as wild. Increased farmed fish consumption is being linked to cancer risks because of the higher fat content. Fat is where animals (including ourselves) store toxins, so these fattier fish are loaded with heavy metals, antibiotics and pesticides.

 

cold pressed local organic flax seed oil
Fresh, organic, locally cold pressed and delivered in a glass bottle!

An easy way to get your Omega 3s without worrying about nasty fish juice is to find a high quality organic cold-pressed flax seed oil and throw a tablespoon in your salad everyday. I feel super blessed to have recently learned of a local supplier in upstate NY called Oillee through one of my lovely clients. I love me a company with integrity… my flax seed oil was delivered a day after it was pressed! It doesn’t get much fresher than that, folks! I also appreciate that the oil comes in a dark glass bottle versus the brand I was previously consuming, which comes in a dark plastic bottle. If you need a good recipe, please refer to my post on Tom’s salad…just throw some oil in it!

 

 

Magnesium For Your Shit Stress

Many clients find me after reaching the end of their rope with meaningless diagnosis (ahem, IBS, ahem), medications, dietary changes, psychics, “healers”….you name it. It’s most rewarding for me to work with new clients who’ve just about exhausted all avenues because they ultimately come to the truth: everyone (especially thyself) is full of shit!

Digging through my blog, you will learn that constipation and gas literally stir up all sorts of shit in your body. Seemingly unrelated symptoms like back pain, belly fat, heartburn, acid reflux, migraines and even fatigue can all be attributed to system backup. One of the most underrated causes of bloating and constipation that is constantly dismissed by doctors and patients alike is stress. It is widely accepted that many degenerative diseases and gastrointestinal distress are caused by stress.

For the most part, life would be boring without its stresses. However, many of my clients (and I assume the general population here in the tri-state area) are burdened daily by the demands of their high-pressure jobs coupled by those of their families. I’ve lived the desk life, so I can empathize. But I was less of the driven type and more of the is-it-five-o-clock-yet? type and I’m not really into the having kids thing, so perhaps it suffices to say my empathy is limited. That said, I’m not disqualified from giving you the following advice based not only on patterns I’ve observed in my clients, but on hard scientific Doody Free Girl evidence.

Do not eat at your desk when you are stressed. If there was a belligerent drunk knocking down the front door of your apartment, your heart rate would rise, adrenaline and cortisol would course through your system and you would instinctively do whatever you could to protect you and your cat. You wouldn’t be able to (nor want to) do all of this while munching on Jackson’s Honest salt and vinegar potato chips. In fact, you would probably vomit. The same thing happens when you eat under pressure at your desk (minus the drunk boyfriend and the cat). Your body will reject the food from a nutrient perspective. Scientists have discovered that the fat tissue around your midsection is active and is actually a member of your endocrine system, holding on to fat as future energy stores. This happens even more so when you’re stressed because your body is less likely to respond to the hormone leptin, which signals when the body is full. Furthermore, your body is in no position to receive nutrients, resulting in knots, bloating and constipation.

So resist any temptation to eat at the desk because it is most likely unwarranted. You are stressed and looking for something to make your boss go away. You are not starving for anything other than magnesium. So reach for a Metagenics MetaRelax beverage instead of a piece of the third office birthday cake this week that tastes like shit anyway.  MetaRelax is a delicious citrus powder supplement sweetened with only stevia that contains 150mg of magnesium, B6, B12, folate and taurine. It is a vegan formula designed to cause the mysterious disappearance of stress, depression, anxiety, constipation and your annoying boss. Magnesium has been proven to aid in 600 enzymatic processes in the body, lower the risk of heart disease, increase calcium absorbency while preventing vascular calcification, lower depression and anxiety, and even move your bowels. I am so excited about this product because I have a hard time swallowing chalky magnesium pills and now I look forward to taking this critical mineral everyday. For those who do not have any issues swallowing pills, Metagenics makes an excellent supplement called Bone Builder, a ratio-balanced blend of magnesium and calcium.

 

magnesium for stress and anxiety relief

 

 

 

Just Add Vinegar.

Growing up, my mother cleaned the entire house every single weekend. I would wake up to the sound of the annoying vacuum cleaner and the pungent smell of vinegar, Clorox bleach and/or Windex. What I would give now to wake up to someone magically cleaning up after me on autopilot week in, week out! Instead, this would start my weekend in a sour mood because I couldn’t hear the TV or Rage Against the Machine (AKA the Good Mother) and the house ironically smelled like shit to me.

I’ve always thought that vinegar smelled like complete ass. I would experience overwhelming disgust when my mother would gleefully diffuse the house with vinegar through the coffee machine. It only took me 35 years to appreciate the cleaning power of this amazingly edible detergent. I just finished cleaning the entire Doody Free Girl studio with distilled white vinegar and am overcome with the same cleaning joy that plagues my mother each week, even though my skin smells like it’s been fermenting in pickle brine. None of that matters when my floors look brighter than ever! White distilled vinegar has  a PH of 2.4, allowing it to easily dissolve all of your nasties. Before using it to clean your entire life, make sure to research thoroughly the surface you plan to use it on because apparently, it is so strong it can actually dissolve granite surfaces. It also makes a great fabric softener (use just 1/4 cup), but I’ve also heard that this can dissolve the hoses and rubber seals of the machine, so please use some discretion.

Using white distilled vinegar is a superior alternative to all of the chemical-laden products on the market and even those marketed as “natural.” Nothing is more natural and non-toxic for your house and your innards than distilled white vinegar. The chemicals found in your average household cleaner can actually affect your endocrine system when inhaled and the amount of anti-bacterial properties can have a devastating antibiotic effect on your home’s probiotics. Just like our bodies, the less good bacteria -or probiotics- that reside in our home, the less immune we are to disease and “superbugs.” 

While I love distilled white vinegar for cleaning, for regular ingestion, I highly recommend using raw Apple Cider Vinegar. For those who’ve been following me for a while, you know how much I love ACV. Apple cider vinegar is the ultimate home remedy for just about anything, the most important being acid reflux and gas. Many times, acid reflux is actually a result of an underproduction (not overproduction as commonly assumed) of stomach acid that is pushed upward due to the gas in the intestinal tract. Drinking a teaspoon of raw ACV diluted in a cup of water at least fifteen minutes before a meal aids tremendously in digestion. It is also a great tonic to have first thing in the morning to round out your body’s overnight cleansing fast.

 

 

Crap, I Forgot My Probiotics!!

I knew I was going to forget my probiotics the second I started packing. I’m going on a cruise today for my cousin’s wedding and I just hope the boat does not come down with a case of dysentery.Taking probiotics while traveling is critical in combatting all of the new bugs you’ll encounter, so wish me luck!

Please note that I will be away through Monday, December 12th, so I won’t have access to the Interwebs. If you need to schedule an appointment, please make book online and I will answer any questions when I return! And don’t forget your probiotics when you travel. Purchase Metagenics probiotics here.

Feed Your Ass!

I’ve been searching long and hard for an affordable, quality vegan probiotic and low and behold, it found me. Thanks to a new client of mine, I am now carrying Metagenics, a line of plant-based, non-GMO supplements (many of which are vegan) backed by scientific studies that prove superior absorption and effectiveness. Metagenics is generally carried by doctors and naturopaths as a natural alternative to pharmaceuticals. Now, you can find their UltraFlora Balance probiotic at the Doody Free shop. $40 gets you a two month supply! You can also purchase them online here. 

 

probiotics

Categories: Probiotics, Supplements, Vegan