There’s Something In The Water.

Everyone’s been figuratively and literally dropping crap in the water here in Lobitos, Peru. We are down two cameras due to faulty underwater housing and today, I may have to kiss my IPhone goodbye due to negligent toilet behavior.

As I’ve expressed in recent blog posts, we are to flush the toilet sparingly here not only in an effort to conserve water, but also because the toilet simply just does not flush more than 1fph (one flush per hour). So at times, I have been forced to poop on top of a preexisting poop, suffering from anonymous backsplash. I know. Gross!

But what’s even more disgusting, is dropping your IPhone on top of two poops from two different people. Should this happen to you, there’s no time to waste or even think. You must retrieve your phone as fast as possible. Dry that crap off, turn it off if it’s still on and dunk it in a cup of rice. Keep it there for two to three days before trying to turn it back on.

So that’s where I’m at. I’m waiting and regretting my habit of keeping my cell phone in my armpit while I multitask.

Categories: iPoo, Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

The Aqua Dump.

I’ve been urinating in the ocean only since 2005. I remember drinking heavily at a July 4th boat party in Miami that year, and desperately needing to break the seal. Most of the boat bathrooms were either closed for use or occupied, forcing me to just pee in the water like everyone else. I vividly remember hanging on to a rope that was anchoring one of the boats down, trying to pee while my body was swaying in the water. I had to overcome the mental block of peeing with my ass submerged underwater and my entire body moving uncontrollably with the waves. I must have been there for twenty minutes before I succeeded with a tiny squirt. It was unsatisfying just like the burning, incomplete feeling of a urinary tract infection. It took another ten minutes before I was able to relieve myself enough so that I did not suffer from a completely full bladder. Over the years, I’ve perfected the ocean pee to where I can pee on demand without strain. The ocean poo (aka aqua dump), however, is another story…

Hanging out with a bunch of surfers, I knew I could rely on them for suggestions on how to pull off the perfect aqua dump, or aqua bog, as my Australians call it. Everyone’s been getting up for an early AM surf here in Lobitos, which is generally prime time. First things first, you must relax (especially if the water is cold) by reminding yourself why you have your pants down. Make sure you are nowhere near anyone and you may want to consider doggie paddling (depending on your position) throughout the process because your aqua dump is going to meet you at the surface, so you’ll want to get a running start. Some prefer to grab their ankles, bringing their legs closer to their heads, placing themselves in more of a squat position, but I only recommend this advanced position for the more experienced aqua dumpers. Once you are completely finished, pull your pants up and swim away as fast as you can.

I have yet to attempt this craft. Please let me know if you have…

 

Categories: Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Just Add Water.

My last blog post brings me to an important point. If you are taking a dump at your boyfriend’s for the first time, make sure there is enough water in the back tank simply by making sure that the black floaty balloon thing is in fact, floating. If not, figure out a way to transport water from the sink to the tank until it does float. Also, make sure the water is not running as in there is no faint flushing sound echoing from the toilet or any swirling water in the bowl. Otherwise, you may have to cope with leaving a floater for your boyfriend to discover, which may or may not bring you closer.

Be proactive. On the first day you are invited to your boyfriend’s home, you should be thinking about backup toilet options way before you envision yourselves getting married and living happily ever after. Map out all of the bathrooms in the home, or if you live in NYC, map out all of the adjacent department stores, easily accessible restaurant bathrooms, hotel lobbies, etc. There is always a legitimate excuse to momentarily leave someone’s home in NYC. “I don’t get good reception here; My friend is having a meltdown, I need to speak with her in private, etc.” But if you find yourself in your boyfriend’s multi-bathroom pad, throw the toilet paper under the sink and tell him there is no toilet paper while you quickly sneak into a different bathroom before he catches on.

Categories: Boy Advice, Life Hacks, Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Moving Toilets and Whatnot.

I’ve made it safely to Lobitos, Peru, but not without any bathroom issues. Bathroom problems only leave room for solutions and blog material, so I welcome a good bathroom challenge. I hope to enlighten you.

Getting to Lobitos entails a 19 hour bus ride from Lima with no bathroom stops, subjecting passengers to the moving toilet on board. The toilet is in very tight quarters and the floor is definitely wet. Your best bet in this situation is to wait for any stops. We had only a few stops on this trip, of which we were only allowed to exit once to use a different bathroom. However, for the less fortunate who must succumb to using the moving toilet, be prepared. You’ll definitely want to carry a natural hand sanitizer made with a natural alcohol that you can find at your local health food store because you do not want to use the nasty water from the sink. Also, be prepared for a lack of toilet paper. Bring in any napkins you can get your hands on from a rest stop or bus station to build your TP toilet seat cushion because you will find yourself sitting on the moving toilet whether or not you want to. The napkins also come in handy as a sort of glove because you will find yourself holding onto the bathroom door handle for stability. Once you are finished with your business, inch yourself as close to the door as possible while holding the handle in case the bus throws you back down onto the now uncovered toilet, and pull your pants up with your loose hand, steering clear of the wet toilet seat. I survived the moving toilet without incident. I definitely do not recommend trying to hover over a moving toilet because it really just adds unnecessary anxiety. And don’t drink the coffee they may serve in the morning because passengers are only allowed to go #1.

Once I arrived in Lobitos, I almost immediately had to take a crap right after lunch. Here at Waves For Development (the organization where I’m volunteering), water conservation is second nature. I’ve been here once before, so I already know the deal with not running the shower water, taking short showers and flushing it down only if its brown. I was quickly punished for flushing the toilet before pooping. I just wanted to have a good first clean dump sans OPP (other people’s piss) splashing back up on my butt since I hadn’t gone the day before. I wasn’t going to make a habit of it. But of course the toilet would not flush. So I disguised my poop with two sheets of toilet paper as a courtesy to my four roommates without knowing that toilet paper cannot be flushed because it clogs the septic system. I only learned that right afterward during orientation. So I tried to stay calm knowing I would possibly have to fish the toilet paper out. I discreetly expressed my concerns to the orientation leader who told me I probably just needed to fill up the tank, which I could easily do with the sink water. Upon returning over an hour later, the toilet flushed with ease, so I didn’t have to worry about that, but it always helps to know what to do in case of a water shortage. If you ever come across a shortage of water, just open up the tank on the back of the toilet and fill it up with water you will probably have to purchase until you see that black balloon thing float. Voila.

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Life Hacks, Public Poo, Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Not So Private.

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I arrived in Peru safely Friday night and stayed in the same hostel I enjoyed four years ago. Although I stayed in a private room with my own private bathroom across the hallway, I’ve arrived at the conclusion that I’m just too old for this crap. Having to exit the room to use the facilities forced me to get my whole evening routine over with before allowing myself to get comfortable. With all of the belligerent backpackers screaming through the hallways, I thought it best that no one catch me with my mouthguard on anyway. From now on, it’s private bathrooms IN the room…that is, if I can help it.

Categories: Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

The Airplane Poo.

I’m at the airport squeezing in one last blog post before my flight to Peru, and hopefully soon squeezing out a nice juicy log before boarding time. As I sit here in the lavish business center I think I just snuck into, I can’t help but think about that one time I actually took a crap on a plane. It was two years ago and I was being reacquainted with those miserable menstrual cramps I hadn’t experienced since high school. The link between menstruation and defecation is made in a recent blog post. This connection between bowel and uterus is ever so evident to me when I get these crushing menstrual pains. I instantly feel like I’m going to both vomit and crap myself, but it’s usually just the latter.

As soon as the plane began to ascend, I started getting the sweats and felt so light headed like the plane was lifting my body, but leaving my blood supply on the ground. My veins felt like they were being drained and I was losing all color in my face, taking me from the Sahara to the Antarctic in a matter of seconds. The stewardess asked me if I was going to throw up and I didn’t really know what to say. She was literally annoying the crap out of me. I ran to the bathroom, quickly made my toilet TP cover and took a fiery lava dump in an almost waterless toilet. And to paint an even more disgusting image for all you germ phobes, I rested my head on the sink! It’s funny how little these things (i.e. germs, people witnessing you spend 45 minutes on the toilet, etc) matter when you’re just not feeling well and maybe they shouldn’t matter at all because I left the gnarly airplane bathroom feeling brand new.

 

Categories: Public Poo, Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

The 60 Percent.

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In observance of Holy Week, I would like to point out a modern day blessing: the public restroom. For most parts of the USA, we not only have access to toilets in our home, but in our parks, schools, stores, cafes, restaurants, etc. It’s hard to imagine a world where we cannot relieve ourselves in the case of an emergency, but that world exists.

The United Nations has declared November 19th, World Toilet Day, in an effort to create awareness of the misfortunes that stem from toilet-free third world conditions. Not having a place to pee or poop is not really a concern of mine (not on a dire basis anyway), but it is for 40% of the world’s population. Much of Asia and Africa do not have access to toilets, proper sanitation and/or water treatment. This has resulted in cholera outbreaks due to filthy drinking water contaminated with fecal matter. Also, many girls in these countries are dropping out of school once they start menstruating because of the shame and the danger associated with finding a place to handle their business.

So let’s respect this divine gift we call the public restroom that we all take for granted. The public toilet was invented so that we, ladies, do not have to worry about pissing ourselves, bleeding all over ourselves, getting diseases, or even worse, getting raped while we’re trying to take a dump in the woods. Public restrooms are designed to free us from worry. So at the very least, we most certainly should not be worrying about whether or not the stalls are clean. I’ve said it before, and I’ll keep saying it until I no longer feel the need to sanitize the toilet seat before sitting down: Lady is as lady does. 

Respect your bowels. Respect the public restroom.

Resources: United Nations, Toilet Hackers, Who Gives a Crap

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Girl Code, Public Poo, Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Express Yourself.

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Today was a “water day” and not because it’s raining outside, but because the water at the Doody Free Girl headquarters was shut off due to maintenance, and therefore, all colonic appointments had to be cancelled. So I got to stay home and ponder ways in which you can express yourself and start talking crap with your loved ones. Here are some segues into one of life’s most important conversations.

The best way to express yourself is right at the moment when nature calls. If it’s a boyfriend, it should be a gentle “I need to use the bathroom. Please don’t wait for me, I’ll be a while” or “I gotta go, if you know what I’m saying” or “I need to take care of business” or for the more brazen, “Excuse me, but I really have to drop a deuce.” This should go over well as long as you don’t adopt a trucker’s mouth. Keep it ladylike and never apologize. It’s okay if he initially says “eeew” or “groooossss.” Just giggle as you skip to the loo. Hopefully, he asks you how you’re feeling after you relieve yourself to which you respond, “Soooo much better. Thank you for waiting.” Then end the conversation with a huge smile and sigh of relief. This will make him feel like he’s contributed, while opening the door for further communication later on. You’ll be on the fast track to covering for each other as you bomb the bathroom of your favorite brunch spot.

Sharing bowel issues with females should be an easier task and involve much less anxiety. You can always win a girl over with one word: constipation. Girls love talking about constipation. I remember being so constipated after a flight to a women’s surf camp in Mexico that the only thing I could concentrate on in this paradise was getting the hard rocks out of my rear. I immediately broke the ice with another girl at this camp by discussing my utter frustration with travel constipation. She immediately took me to the local pharmacy to purchase an enema. I wasn’t ready to start sticking things up my bottom on vacation, but I was very much impressed with this chick’s knowledge of constipation remedies and overall acceptance of poop talk. And above all, she waited for me and encouraged me to take my time as I rocked back and forth on the toilet giving birth to a pile of rocks. She may live in London now, but this type of special bond can transcend the Atlantic.

So don’t be scared to talk about going #2. It unites and it feels damn good.

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Boy Advice, Girl Code, Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

The Only Time You Shouldn’t Squat…

My brother recently educated me on how to conduct yourself when confronted with diarrhea and a squat toilet. His opinion is based on a recent experience in India while visiting his girlfriend. Naturally, he got the Delhi Belly for a few days.  What I’ve gathered from our conversation is that the only drawback to the squat toilet is the inability to have an enjoyable explosive diarrhea episode without crapping your pants. My brother advised that the squat toilets have porcelain foot imprints for your feet, which you must avoid when you feel the onset of an explosion.  In order to avoid crapping your pants, he told me you must put your feet on an angle and then weave your hands between your legs to pull your pants away from the toilet.

little boy on squat toilet
BangkokPost.com
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24 Hours in Hollywood

In an effort to spread the Doody Free Girls Movement nationwide, I took the liberty of experiencing a jet-setting, 24 hour rendezvous in LA to celebrate the release of friend, Kimberly Snyder’s new book, The Beauty Detox Foods. And let’s be honest, I was hoping to make some celebrity connections. I am reporting back that I made only one connection and that involved Dita Von Teese virtually telling me to go F myself when I asked for a picture with her while she was eating.

I had a great time nonetheless and my money shot, ironically, involved no celebrities and was not even taken at the party, but rather with a gem I found on the streets of Venice Beach.

 

broken toilet in venice beach

Categories: Kimberly Snyder, Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,