I can sort of imagine what erectile dysfunction feels like. Sort of. I can empathize with the pressure to perform anyway. But I’m not talking sex, I’m talking crap. A self-proclaimed Bowel Movement Coach should never be constipated, right? Unfortunately, hard shit happens. To everyone.

Last week, my trips to the bathroom were anxiety ridden and painful! Not the usual gleeful skip to my loo I am accustomed to. If I wasn’t squeezing out pebbles, I was squeezing out hemorrhoids and monster turds that literally clogged two different toilets on three different occasions. Tommy “Detox” DeVito was not a happy camper, screaming “It is not my new job to unclog your shit from my toilet!” Yes, we have that kind of familial relationship here at Release NYC, where there are four toilets and at almost any given moment, someone is taking a dump. Basically, this is the best place in the world to work.

I started fearing any urgency to poop because all of my straining was giving me a hemorrhoid that hurt! Every time I would poop, it felt like the hemorrhoid would make its grand exit fashionably late. I’ve seen plenty of hemorrhoids in my line of work, so I was not alarmed even when I noticed some light bleeding on the toilet paper. For inquiring minds, hemorrhoids can be unsightly, they can bleed, they can make it difficult to walk and even sit, but they can easily go away with a dab of witch hazel salve as long as the constipation is addressed.

For me, I wasn’t eating anything particularly constipating or out of the ordinary, so I knew it was a matter of dehydration and bacteria imbalance. I made sure to up my water intake and double up on my probiotics. Probiotics strengthen your immune system by supporting an environment of homeostasis where there is a higher ratio of good versus bad bacteria. Too much of the bad stuff forces an inflammatory response, which stresses the body’s defenses and we now know that stress causes constipation. I juiced carrot and celery in the morning when I could and kept my meals liquid-y and fibrous (soups, veggies, whole grains). So basically, I became borderline vegetarian for a week and things started moving. And this is my remedy for rock hard constipation, folks.