My last blog post brings me to an important point. If you are taking a dump at your boyfriend’s for the first time, make sure there is enough water in the back tank simply by making sure that the black floaty balloon thing is in fact, floating. If not, figure out a way to transport water from the sink to the tank until it does float. Also, make sure the water is not running as in there is no faint flushing sound echoing from the toilet or any swirling water in the bowl. Otherwise, you may have to cope with leaving a floater for your boyfriend to discover, which may or may not bring you closer.

Be proactive. On the first day you are invited to your boyfriend’s home, you should be thinking about backup toilet options way before you envision yourselves getting married and living happily ever after. Map out all of the bathrooms in the home, or if you live in NYC, map out all of the adjacent department stores, easily accessible restaurant bathrooms, hotel lobbies, etc. There is always a legitimate excuse to momentarily leave someone’s home in NYC. “I don’t get good reception here; My friend is having a meltdown, I need to speak with her in private, etc.” But if you find yourself in your boyfriend’s multi-bathroom pad, throw the toilet paper under the sink and tell him there is no toilet paper while you quickly sneak into a different bathroom before he catches on.