In a past life, I was a realtor in Miami Beach. I totally sucked at it and felt completely unfulfilled as a result (or the cause?). It felt like my life was a series of annoying people and different lockbox sequences (insider tip: you can usually guess the code by trying different combinations of the current year and the address because…realtors). But I must admit I learned a few things of value in real estate school.

My real estate professor was the shit. I forget his name, but I will always remember his teachings because he was honest and funny as hell. He proudly declared at the beginning of the course that while dumb, he knows how to pass tests and had come to teach us thy ways. Basically, he spoke my language. A crash course in silly pneumonic devices proved successful in passing an exam and left me with some useless knowledge. For instance, the Statute of Frauds requires that certain contracts be memorialized in writing. He taught us to remember this by thinking of the word “frogs” instead of “frauds.” Frogs make the sound “ribbit, ribbit,” which he would sound as “write it, write it.” This pneumonic device is dumb as hell, but 12+ years later, I still remember this shit!

Another tip I learned involved lead poisoning. Houses built before 1978 were most likely painted with paint that contained toxic amounts of lead. Children are most susceptible to lead poisoning from paint because when they’re not smearing boogers everywhere, they’re sticking shit in their mouths. Eating lead paint chips or dirt infused with a high amount of lead can lead to a host of health issues such as learning disabilities, kidney damage, hearing damage, neurological damage, seizures and even death. Therefore, homebuyers must sign a waiver acknowledging the potential existence of lead with the option to have a lead inspection performed within ten days for an accurate cost analysis.

There are measures to prevent and remedy the existence of lead in your home if you have children. You can hire a certified lead abatement contractor to seal in the lead-based paint on your walls with a coat of nontoxic paint. This is probably the most cost-effective and healthy remedy. Alternatively, removing the paint can create a lot of toxic dust. If the soil around your home is contaminated, you may want to plant some grass over it to keep your child from eating the soil.

My real estate professor dismissed the severity of lead poisoning for those who do not have children. “Open the windows and air out every once in a while.” This is something you should do regardless of whether or not lead is present in your home. The insulation in your walls, wood finishings, cleaners, your furniture etc are full of all kinds of other toxins like acetone, carbon monoxide and formaldehyde. It is wise to open your windows upon waking every morning for at least ten minutes and to keep some air-filtering plants in the house. If you have a garden outside, you won’t need to worry too much about lead toxicity in your produce except for leafy greens.

There is also something you can do on the daily to assist in heavy metal detox. Chlorella has been proven to be an effective heavy metal binder. Not only is it an amazing detoxifier, but it is chock-full of minerals and chlorophyll, which is the ultimate blood cleanser. It is also an amazing source of protein, iron and zinc. I recommend taking this supplement everyday and getting a colonic monthly to assist in eliminating metals from the body. My favorite brand is Vega, a reputable vegan brand that is affordable and widely available in both health stores and online.

In conclusion, my real estate career wasn’t a complete waste of time after all…