I sat on my first heated toilet seat complete with bidet and booty dryer this weekend at Mashiko in Seattle. Although this sushi joint impressed me from the gratuitous stash of SushiWhore magnets to their use of sustainable/reusable chopsticks made from surplus wheat supplies, their exclusively sustainable fish menu, and the mere existence of a luxury toilet seat in the bathroom, I’m sad to report that my first luxury toilet seat experience was an utter fail.

Maybe I’m being a little dramatic. The heated seat was very inviting and in fact, I did not want to get up, but the other functions were a) complicated and b) ergonomically incorrect.  Considering all the time I spent trying to figure out the buttons on the side panel of the toilet, I’m ashamed to say I never even pooped. All this work just to pee. There were a total of ten buttons with labels that read shower, bidet, heat, dryer etc. I was most excited to try the bidet function. However, the bidet function blindly beelines water into your crack. I found this moistening irritating, not cleansing. I spent a lot of time deciding whether to try the shower button for obvious reasons. I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect. Was I about to get rained on? No. I just received another shot of water from the front end in addition to the back end. Neither one reached my rectum nor my vagina.  I was sort of okay with this only because I was psyched to try the dryer function and figured if I ever purchased one of these toilet seats, I could adjust the water hoses. But the dryer was no Xlerator. It was one of those frustrating mild, stuffy, why-do-my-hands-feel-dirtier?, I’m-just-going-to-use-paper kind of dryers.  So I ended up using more toilet paper than usual to dry my drenched genitalia and actually washed my hands because I felt a little filthy.