Constipated to the Point of Hemorrhoids.

I can sort of imagine what erectile dysfunction feels like. Sort of. I can empathize with the pressure to perform anyway. But I’m not talking sex, I’m talking crap. A self-proclaimed Bowel Movement Coach should never be constipated, right? Unfortunately, hard shit happens. To everyone.

Last week, my trips to the bathroom were anxiety ridden and painful! Not the usual gleeful skip to my loo I am accustomed to. If I wasn’t squeezing out pebbles, I was squeezing out hemorrhoids and monster turds that literally clogged two different toilets on three different occasions. Tommy “Detox” DeVito was not a happy camper, screaming “It is not my new job to unclog your shit from my toilet!” Yes, we have that kind of familial relationship here at Release NYC, where there are four toilets and at almost any given moment, someone is taking a dump. Basically, this is the best place in the world to work.

I started fearing any urgency to poop because all of my straining was giving me a hemorrhoid that hurt! Every time I would poop, it felt like the hemorrhoid would make its grand exit fashionably late. I’ve seen plenty of hemorrhoids in my line of work, so I was not alarmed even when I noticed some light bleeding on the toilet paper. For inquiring minds, hemorrhoids can be unsightly, they can bleed, they can make it difficult to walk and even sit, but they can easily go away with a dab of witch hazel salve as long as the constipation is addressed.

For me, I wasn’t eating anything particularly constipating or out of the ordinary, so I knew it was a matter of dehydration and bacteria imbalance. I made sure to up my water intake and double up on my probiotics. Probiotics strengthen your immune system by supporting an environment of homeostasis where there is a higher ratio of good versus bad bacteria. Too much of the bad stuff forces an inflammatory response, which stresses the body’s defenses and we now know that stress causes constipation. I juiced carrot and celery in the morning when I could and kept my meals liquid-y and fibrous (soups, veggies, whole grains). So basically, I became borderline vegetarian for a week and things started moving. And this is my remedy for rock hard constipation, folks.

Categories: Digestive Issues, Probiotics Tags: , , , , , , , ,

#WorldToiletDay

Yup, it’s a thing. Last year, celebrities like Matt Damon got involved with the UN to spread awareness on the global issue of open defecation on November 19th, which was declared World Toilet Day in 2001 by the World Toilet Organization. Open defecation is common in countries like India, where lack of toilets pose a major problem. Without a private place to take care of business, the general population is forced to either go in the woods, on the sidewalk, on the beach, or basically anywhere in the natural open. This leaves many susceptible to disease resulting from a contaminated water supply and even atrocities like rape and murder. Women are the most vulnerable when left to handle their poop and menstruation business out in the open. World Toilet Day serves as a means to spread global awareness on this shitty issue.

So there have been a crapload of toilets built around the world in the last few years as a result of this global campaign to build toilets. For example, Who Gives A Crap is donating 50% of their tree-free toilet paper proceeds to  help build toilets for those in need (they’re toilet paper is the shit!). The next step is getting the targeted populations to use them! Many cultures are averse to crapping where they eat. The Hindu population in India, for instance, prefer to poop far away from the house because according to the “Laws of Manu,” this avoids ritual impurity. Many cultures also view bathrooms as dark, scary places.

It’s time to take pride in our public and private bathrooms. Ladies, let’s be ladies. Let’s keep our public bathrooms clean and encourage a safe haven for women where they can feel a sense of pride and accomplishment after relieving themselves. Collectively, our efforts will contribute to the United Nations’ Bowel Movement to get both men and women fearlessly using the loo.

Resources: The Economist 

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Girl Code, Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Strong Abs = Strong Poop

I am so excited that I found this abdominal workout video on YouTube! I have been a devotee to this particular 20 minute Winsor Pilates Ab Sculpting video since high school. I even got the football team in college into it because it’s that good! But due to recent DVD-player restraints (or lack there-of), I haven’t been able to get this abdominal workout in until my recent YouTube discovery!

Strong core muscles protect your crucial organs, specifically your bowels! Try to squeeze this workout in every other day.

Categories: Exercise Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Anal Fissures

A friend recently opened up to me about her problem with anal fissures. Scientifically speaking, anal fissures can happen when a rock hard turd slices one’s asshole. The problem is that every time she’d use the bathroom after that initial tear, the scab would re-open. The act of going to the bathroom hurt so bad that it encouraged her to hold it in. She was literally stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Her doctor advised her to take Miralax, which she became addicted to for years until someone introduced her to juicing. Fresh vegetable juice for breakfast has successfully replaced Miralax for her as a natural alternative. Both offer the same result: softer turds and regularity.

Categories: Digestive Issues Tags: , , , , , , , ,

There’s Something In The Water.

Everyone’s been figuratively and literally dropping crap in the water here in Lobitos, Peru. We are down two cameras due to faulty underwater housing and today, I may have to kiss my IPhone goodbye due to negligent toilet behavior.

As I’ve expressed in recent blog posts, we are to flush the toilet sparingly here not only in an effort to conserve water, but also because the toilet simply just does not flush more than 1fph (one flush per hour). So at times, I have been forced to poop on top of a preexisting poop, suffering from anonymous backsplash. I know. Gross!

But what’s even more disgusting, is dropping your IPhone on top of two poops from two different people. Should this happen to you, there’s no time to waste or even think. You must retrieve your phone as fast as possible. Dry that crap off, turn it off if it’s still on and dunk it in a cup of rice. Keep it there for two to three days before trying to turn it back on.

So that’s where I’m at. I’m waiting and regretting my habit of keeping my cell phone in my armpit while I multitask.

Categories: iPoo, Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

The Aqua Dump.

I’ve been urinating in the ocean only since 2005. I remember drinking heavily at a July 4th boat party in Miami that year, and desperately needing to break the seal. Most of the boat bathrooms were either closed for use or occupied, forcing me to just pee in the water like everyone else. I vividly remember hanging on to a rope that was anchoring one of the boats down, trying to pee while my body was swaying in the water. I had to overcome the mental block of peeing with my ass submerged underwater and my entire body moving uncontrollably with the waves. I must have been there for twenty minutes before I succeeded with a tiny squirt. It was unsatisfying just like the burning, incomplete feeling of a urinary tract infection. It took another ten minutes before I was able to relieve myself enough so that I did not suffer from a completely full bladder. Over the years, I’ve perfected the ocean pee to where I can pee on demand without strain. The ocean poo (aka aqua dump), however, is another story…

Hanging out with a bunch of surfers, I knew I could rely on them for suggestions on how to pull off the perfect aqua dump, or aqua bog, as my Australians call it. Everyone’s been getting up for an early AM surf here in Lobitos, which is generally prime time. First things first, you must relax (especially if the water is cold) by reminding yourself why you have your pants down. Make sure you are nowhere near anyone and you may want to consider doggie paddling (depending on your position) throughout the process because your aqua dump is going to meet you at the surface, so you’ll want to get a running start. Some prefer to grab their ankles, bringing their legs closer to their heads, placing themselves in more of a squat position, but I only recommend this advanced position for the more experienced aqua dumpers. Once you are completely finished, pull your pants up and swim away as fast as you can.

I have yet to attempt this craft. Please let me know if you have…

 

Categories: Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Friends Don’t Let Friends Crap Their Pants.

Day Four. My housemates continue to educate me on even more flushing solutions when faced with an H2O shortage. While on a 20 minute long distance call with her boyfriend all about his recent food poisoning diarrhea, this housemate suddenly received the urge to go via satellite. Apparently, it’s contagious amongst couples. However, she was at the Waves For Development office, which does not have a working toilet. This pressing issue had her knocking on all of the neighbor’s doors to which she was denied, forcing her to nearly crap herself.

But a girl should always be able to lean on her friends in time of need. She ran back down to the office with her tail between her legs and asked Dave, the founder of WAVES, for help. Without hesitation, he told her to use the nonworking bathroom and not to worry for they will “make it happen.” Dave ran to the store and bought a gallon of water to dump on top of her dump to force the poop down. And it worked! Apparently, I’ve learned that this is common practice in India. The trick is to use a lot of water and dump it aggressively into the toilet until it flushes.

 

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Girl Code Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Just Add Water.

My last blog post brings me to an important point. If you are taking a dump at your boyfriend’s for the first time, make sure there is enough water in the back tank simply by making sure that the black floaty balloon thing is in fact, floating. If not, figure out a way to transport water from the sink to the tank until it does float. Also, make sure the water is not running as in there is no faint flushing sound echoing from the toilet or any swirling water in the bowl. Otherwise, you may have to cope with leaving a floater for your boyfriend to discover, which may or may not bring you closer.

Be proactive. On the first day you are invited to your boyfriend’s home, you should be thinking about backup toilet options way before you envision yourselves getting married and living happily ever after. Map out all of the bathrooms in the home, or if you live in NYC, map out all of the adjacent department stores, easily accessible restaurant bathrooms, hotel lobbies, etc. There is always a legitimate excuse to momentarily leave someone’s home in NYC. “I don’t get good reception here; My friend is having a meltdown, I need to speak with her in private, etc.” But if you find yourself in your boyfriend’s multi-bathroom pad, throw the toilet paper under the sink and tell him there is no toilet paper while you quickly sneak into a different bathroom before he catches on.

Categories: Boy Advice, Life Hacks, Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Moving Toilets and Whatnot.

I’ve made it safely to Lobitos, Peru, but not without any bathroom issues. Bathroom problems only leave room for solutions and blog material, so I welcome a good bathroom challenge. I hope to enlighten you.

Getting to Lobitos entails a 19 hour bus ride from Lima with no bathroom stops, subjecting passengers to the moving toilet on board. The toilet is in very tight quarters and the floor is definitely wet. Your best bet in this situation is to wait for any stops. We had only a few stops on this trip, of which we were only allowed to exit once to use a different bathroom. However, for the less fortunate who must succumb to using the moving toilet, be prepared. You’ll definitely want to carry a natural hand sanitizer made with a natural alcohol that you can find at your local health food store because you do not want to use the nasty water from the sink. Also, be prepared for a lack of toilet paper. Bring in any napkins you can get your hands on from a rest stop or bus station to build your TP toilet seat cushion because you will find yourself sitting on the moving toilet whether or not you want to. The napkins also come in handy as a sort of glove because you will find yourself holding onto the bathroom door handle for stability. Once you are finished with your business, inch yourself as close to the door as possible while holding the handle in case the bus throws you back down onto the now uncovered toilet, and pull your pants up with your loose hand, steering clear of the wet toilet seat. I survived the moving toilet without incident. I definitely do not recommend trying to hover over a moving toilet because it really just adds unnecessary anxiety. And don’t drink the coffee they may serve in the morning because passengers are only allowed to go #1.

Once I arrived in Lobitos, I almost immediately had to take a crap right after lunch. Here at Waves For Development (the organization where I’m volunteering), water conservation is second nature. I’ve been here once before, so I already know the deal with not running the shower water, taking short showers and flushing it down only if its brown. I was quickly punished for flushing the toilet before pooping. I just wanted to have a good first clean dump sans OPP (other people’s piss) splashing back up on my butt since I hadn’t gone the day before. I wasn’t going to make a habit of it. But of course the toilet would not flush. So I disguised my poop with two sheets of toilet paper as a courtesy to my four roommates without knowing that toilet paper cannot be flushed because it clogs the septic system. I only learned that right afterward during orientation. So I tried to stay calm knowing I would possibly have to fish the toilet paper out. I discreetly expressed my concerns to the orientation leader who told me I probably just needed to fill up the tank, which I could easily do with the sink water. Upon returning over an hour later, the toilet flushed with ease, so I didn’t have to worry about that, but it always helps to know what to do in case of a water shortage. If you ever come across a shortage of water, just open up the tank on the back of the toilet and fill it up with water you will probably have to purchase until you see that black balloon thing float. Voila.

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Life Hacks, Public Poo, Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,