Until you’ve perfected the sport of taking a dump in the same amount of time it would take you to take a piss, I urge you to take your time on the throne. Stressing out about whether or not people are aware of what you’re trying to accomplish in the bathroom will give you hemorrhoids and in severe cases; broken eye blood vessels.

So unless you want it written all over your face, take your time. Wipe the toilet seat down with some toilet paper and cover it with even more toilet paper because no one enjoys a wet seat. Sit down and place the garbage can in front of you. Prop your feet up on the can to ensure maximum ease and flow from your perfectly engineered mini-squat position. Make sure you have your smartphone handy because you might as well be productive. Check your emails, catch up on social media, call your parents, etc. Remember that only good things come from sitting on the loo.