It is an honor to be graced by the presence of Tom DeVito AKA Tommy Detox, owner of Release NYC (home to Doody Free Girl), on a daily basis. This Guinea from Staten Island may eat like a pussy, but he poops like a rockstar. I expect nothing less from someone who’s been in the colonic biz for over 15 years. So Tommy Detox has agreed to share his favorite and most crucial recipe of the day for those like myself who suffer from Guinea bathroom envy.

Guinea Wisdom Part One:

“Of all duh things I’ve tried in my life, not a single friggin’ thing worked. Nada. Zero. Zilch, ugotz! Who would have ever thought dat shoving a few carrots trew a juicer would make a difference, ova heer. And then bada-bing! All of uh sudden I feel like a 13-year old boy walking around with a perpetual boner!!

And now I would like to share wit youz, my new friends, some very helpful tipsss to get that healthy shit down yuh troat. First thing you wanna do is find a juice dat tastes good because if it tastes like shit, you won’t drink it twice, guaran-fuckin’-teed. Tuh get the most outa dis, make yuh juice BROWN. Basically, you want it to look like shit, not taste like shit. So, widout furduh ado, here’s my  favorite recipe: lotsa romaine lettuce (creates no shitty aftertaste), spinach, celery, parsley, and add loads  uh carrots—til it looks like shit, but trust me, it will taste just like chawclit  milk…. sawta. And don’t let any asshole tell yiz yuh need the fiber in duh juice. All it does is cause more bloating and den needs digestion. Da whole fucking point utta juice machine is to not have fiber wit duh juice, it’s like mainlining rocket fuel. Bada-fucking-bing!”

English Translation:

“The most essential component to health for vibrant health and youthful energy is juicing PERIOD. Nothing remotely compares to the power of a fresh vegetable juice. My favorite recipe is very palatable: 1 head of romaine, 1 bunch of spinach, 4 stalks of celery, 1 sprig of parsley, and 1 pound of carrots.”