For the most part, colonics are nothing like anal sex. For one, colonics will consistently involve a sufficient amount of lubrication. Secondly, there is a medical grade speculum (not a giant penis) gently inserted into the rectum that will remain stationary and feel virtually invisible for the remainder of the procedure. Unlike anal sex, women actually derive pleasure from the cathartic release colonics provide. Except for some mild cramping, there is no stabbing pain during a colonic. There is no questioning of one’s sexuality during a colonic because colonics most definitely make you gay AF thanks to the release of endorphins.

However, anal sex and colonics do share few similarities. They will both make you feel like you’re taking the longest, hardest shit of your life. The session is best when the recipient is completely relaxed because anxiety does not help shit along. Waves of nausea and intense pressure is not uncommon. Additionally, shit can sometimes get a little messy, which is no cause for panic as both parties should be fully aware of what they signed up for.

I’m not discouraging anyone who is into anal from living their best life, but women technically cannot derive sexual pleasure from anal sex. Men’s prostate gland is stimulated during penetration, which causes arousal. Women, on the other hand, do not have a prostate gland, so scientifically speaking (not from experience), the sensation of anal sex is that of a constipating monster turd jammed up in the rectum where no release is ever experienced. This shit sounds like zero fun. Also, we have transverse folds in the rectum called the “valves of Houston” that keep us from shitting ourselves. They can weaken with age, so why wear them down unnecessarily?

So while I don’t necessarily recommend anal sex for those sporting a vagina, I am totally anal when it comes to cleaning my shit. My latest obsession is my Bissell Powerfresh Steam Mop that I cannot fathom living without. I used to get on my hands and knees with a brush, distilled white vinegar and a shitload of paper towels to hand-mop and dry my floors. Now, it takes less than ten minutes to sanitize my entire studio using only steam from distilled water – no paper, chemicals or vinegar smell! The steamer will also come in handy when you need to clean your floors after aforementioned sex act.